How I wish i could be on my pilllow forever

Idk howto explain what ive been feeling. I feel hopeless this cycle is deteriorating my brain for almost a year now. I thought i am okay. I cant clean my room, schoolworks are piling up, then its my finals next week. Ive always feel empty and lonely. I feel like i dont belong to this world, i dont feel and findl the connection meaningful. Well maybe i wish i could have someone to call my person, the depth i am longing for. But I love with all of my heart and still feel like this. I love every small things. But the loneliness is still here. It sucks to be this disgustingly aware.

I keep telling myself ill do better tomorrow, but i cant still find the courage to get up. I thought about IT earlier. I cut myself today, im really scared everytime i cut myself but its the obly thing that reminds me how such a coward i am, that cutting myself is much bearable than being gone forever. I cut to feel itll get better that i dont need to do it yk. But i am really tired. I feel bad leaving too soon, i love my mom so much and everyone. But i know for sure im fine being gone.

Why am I like this? I really need answer. I cant afford to reach for help. Or anyone feel this way too ( I wish i could hug you)