I (30FtM) and my partner Nat (35F) have known each other since 2019, I moved in with her in 2020, and then got together as a couple in 2022. 

We are a very open minded couple and once we together about a few months, we brought up the idea of polyamory-we were semi hesitant to do anything at the time because we were freshly together. The polyamory question had got brought up a few more times since then and I’ve noticed that it’s when she is insecure in our relationship. For the record, no official agreement had been made just being open to the idea if it presented itself.

Lately our relationship hasn’t been rocky per se, but I noticed that the vibes are off-she is less affectionate towards me (not wanting to hold my hand in the car, not wanting to cuddle, etc) also, I noticed she’s been on her phone a lot more typing on her keypad like she’s messaging someone.

I know this makes me the bad guy and call me an asshole for it but in the middle of the night while she was deep asleep, I took her phone and went through it. I have been cheated on before by my toxic ex any straight up, lied to my face that he did cheat-when I went through his phone I did find the evidence.

Nat didn’t have any dating apps downloaded, no one unusual on her Snapchat, so I checked her text messages-and lo and behold there’s a new contact “James” complete with a photo for his icon (Nat only uses photos if it’s close friends or family) I looked at their messages and they weren’t inherently sexual, but it was plainly obvious that flirting was happening (on both sides) 

Wondering where James’s contact came from I went to Facebook dating and Nat was active on that account matching with people and asking them if they were OK with being polyamorous. She had not brought up the idea of polyamory in any of our conversations before she started matching with these people mind you.

This made my heart sink because Nat knows what I think about cheating-I’ve even brought it up a few times that I consider emotional and financial cheating a thing as well. Nat and I usually text back-and-forth throughout the day and yesterday in the middle of a conversation thread she asked what my thoughts are about trying polyamory. I felt that something was off so I said I wasn’t in the headspace for that discussion.

So Reddit AIO for wanting to break up with my girlfriend for setting up a poly partner for herself before we formally agreed to that kind of dynamic?


My partner started talking to people with romantic/sexual intent before we officially agreed to being poly, I consider this cheating. AIO for wanting to break up?