I just hate this cycle and being a fattie so much

I feel bad because i am obese, i binge eat because i am feeling bad, then i vomit becuase i just binged and binging will make me even more obese, then i feel bad because of vomiting, then i eat again because i am feeling bad, and each time i look at the scale i am fatter than before, then i cut my tummy because i am too fat and ugly, then i feel bad because of cutting, then i binge eat more, then i cut again because binging will just make me fatter and more obese than i currently am, then i feel very strong urges to cut my almost triple double chin but i cant cut there because it will be visible, so instead of cutting my triple-ish chin i cut my tummy again, then i binge eat again, purge again, eat again, purge again, cut again, scale goes up again, i get a bigger tummy and a bigger dounle chin, i cut more, eat more, feel bad more, purge more, feel bad even more, cut more

Its an endless cycle and the only way out i see is offing myself, i just wish i was like other people where when they feel bad they cant eat anything, i wish i was like people who are thin and beautiful and underweight, i wish i was like people who just cant eat anything when they feel bad and starve themselves, i tahe myself and it is becoming harder to not off myself every single day, i look ugly as fuck and my double chin makes me look so masculine and ugly and all the fat i gain goes to my tummy my back and my chin instead of going to my butt and my chest and ive had enough of everything i just wanna feel pretty again i just wanna be thin like almost eveery other normal human being my tummy is already almost non-identifiable because of how many scars there are and i just keep inflating like a balloon and be more obese every single day

I dont know what do to to not off myself in the upcoming weeks or maybe months if i dont somehiw stop eating or binging