It’s almost been a year and I’m (28F) still working through/ getting over a traumatic relationship with 28M. Any advice?

This is a long one so I hope you have the time. I started seeing someone back in June 2024. It was casual(strictly sexual) because I was in an open relationship at the time. It was all new to me so I guess I started this rather green or naive but I wanted to be upfront and shared with him that I didn’t want anything serious but I wanted to get along and be friends. We already had a lot of similar interest so I didn’t think I was forcing a friendship on him.

So we hung out and I knew that we’d get along well physically so I planned our first link up. To simplify this part we had a falling out after because I felt he wasn’t as attentive as he’d been before getting together and he felt used because I left soon after and because I was in an open relationship and he’d never dealt with that before. Maybe 2weeks or a month later he hmu saying he was going through a tough time and apologized for being a dick so we were back on. We spilt again after that because of my situation (supposedly). He was gaining feelings but didn’t like that I was in a relationship already so he would often switch between intimate and loving to cold and distant. I found out he called it off because and started something with a girl out of state. I confronted him and moved on.

During this time I was extremely confused because I had been honest with him the entire time and he would say things like “I don’t believe in relationships until marriage.” And if he wasn’t okay with it this should’ve been communicated way before we’d gotten used to each other. Either way I moved on and so did he.

October 2024

He shows back up. He expresses regret for being distant before and explains he was far more uncomfortable with the situation than he’d previously expressed and it took him a while to “realize” that he wanted to be with me which wasn’t something I was open to at the time. By this point I didn’t trust him at all. He was so wishy washy in our situation I kept an eye on him after. The girl who he was dating out of state… he used her. Once he linked up with her and made it back home he broke up with her. I don’t know the details but she really seemed into him so I know this came as a surprise.

Anyway he was back, and I had just been sa’d by someone close to me. My open relationship had ended, I was pretty low. He came back and offered so much kindness and I really needed it. So I agreed to stay in contact and hang out.

This is when I found out that he had HSV2. He "accidentally" told me since I asked him to get tested since he'd been with the girl out of state. Unfortunately I was already emotionally attached to and apparently very desperate, so after that I still stayed. I figured that it was already a rough start and I probably took more responsibility for the shit show than I needed to, so I chose to stay put rather than kick everyone out of my life atp.i figured j could heal if he was who he said he was(he was not).

So 4 more months of hot and cold behavior, love bombing and the breakups. I had lost 40lbs and was barely functioning, panic attacks, antidepressants, even fainted in his arms. He broke up with me the week before my birthday stating he felt stifled, it was tough but I got through it. The day of my bday I reached out (shamelessly) for a gift of sorts. We didn't meet up but I had come to terms with the fact that it wasn't meant to be, he didn't want this/me. Super Bowl Sunday he invites me over to his family house for a party and I'm down (were I fucked up again). As soon as I arrive he looks me in my face and says he made a mistake, he wants to stay together oh and btw no one at this party knows that we broke up... this is when I started to feel numb. I felt I was functioning on auto pilot the entire night. We stayed together through Valentine's Day, which he had painted a picture of me and bought me a diamond necklace... I couldn't enjoy the gift at all because I was ready for something, anything to break my heart again. He had said that his sister asked him if I was still the one for him, without a thought I turned to him and said "I hope so" and stared straight into his eyes. Frustrated he said "you would think buying that necklace would show that I'm committed." Not wanting to cause a bigger problem I kept my thoughts about that to myself.

He broke up with me the weekend after. Stating he was the problem and he just couldn't get it right.

I found out that he was cheating on me toward the end of our "relationship" which utterly broke me. I struggle to accept that any of this had to happen. I was fine with an open relationship, with him seeing other people. I was fine with a committed relationship if we could just be at peace. I accepted the mistakes and the slip ups. I showed up as best as I could, I wouldn't let my feelings be unaddressed but I didn't beat him down whenever I felt uneasy. I hoped we could heal from this as a unit. Everytime he left I never asked him to take me back, maybe reconsider at the moment, maybe give me a chance to understand but I never forced him to take me back. He came back everytime claiming to be better or have a better understanding of what happened. If he needed the space the sure take it. I wasn't interested in forcing him to be with me. He blamed me, I didn't forgive him quick enough which made all his efforts feel pointless. He's tried to come back into my life after another failed relationship. He recents shared the painting of me on his social media but we haven't been in contact for months. He showed up at my job... idk anymore. Ive had to fight with myself daily not to blame myself for how he treated me. I clearly already struggled with self worth but what was I thinking. This whole situation has left me pretty hopeless. Ive spent so much time trying to understand what type of person he is and I am, why certain things happened why I couldn't fix it, who was at fault and how to move on without fear. Thanks if you've made it this far, l'd really appreciate any insight.