I just accidentally fantasized about my best friend and I'm freaking out

(I was just suggested this sub after posting this elsewhere [although i have added some additional details], and im interested in what you all have to say!)

TL;DR: I've been in love with my best friend for forever. I've worked through it and we’re just super close friends now. Every couple years though, I feel like i get hit by a bus with those feelings again. This time when we got high, she sat close, and my brain went “uh oh, feelings.” Feeling guilty but mostly just trying to shake it off like I have before. Any tips for surviving this?

I (29nb-afab) have been in love with my best friend (30F) for 10 years. The first 4 years of that were incredibly difficult - yearning for an unrequited love, but not wanting to ruin the friendship. I knew she was straight. She said she was straight.

Through a lot of therapy, I have come to terms with it and have come to continue to love her very dearly, but solely platonically. For years. I have been in control of those feelings of yearning for a long time. However, every 2ish years something happens that reignites that desire for more (through this sub i discovered this is called a limerence episode). One time it was her joking that no one is ever 100% straight, including her. That threw me for a loop lol Another time it was her choosing me to help her in the bathroom when she was drunk. She was celebrating quitting her job and got sloppy drunk when we were out with her family and I. She asked me to come with her to help her in the bathroom, instead of either of her sisters. If anyone is interested below, it is actually a really funny story 😂 anyways, she put so much trust and vulnerability in me, it triggered my latent feelings for her again. I got over it after about a month or so.

Then, last night: We (me, her, her bf [who i absolutely adore, they are so good for each other]) were smoking weed together. She and i were on the same couch while her bf was in the extra chair that i usually sit in. On the couch, she was sitting almost on top of me. When she is stoned she always wants me to sit next to her, and she always sits super close. By NO means do I think she does this with an alterior motive. I just think she opens up more once the weed calms her anxiety, kinda how people can get more affectionate when they are drunk. Anyways, it wasn't even anything lewd. But she stretched and arched her back, reaching her hands behind the couch to play with the cat.

My heart stopped. She was beautiful in the sunlit window. Her smile was beautiful. Her chest was beautiful. Her eyes? Idk what this really means, but it just feels right to say that sunflowers grow out of them. They are just beautiful. I immediately had the fantasy of her being naked and in bed with me.

It was shocking. It was a guilty pleasure, imagining her like that. But emphasis on the GUILTY. I feel like I have crossed a line. I feel like I violated her privacy. And it has become a near constant intrusive thought and it is very distressing and confusing. I can't stop thinking about it, and I enjoy that fantasy. But I hate it at the same time. It makes me feel dirty and that I violated her trust. But it is oh so much a guilty pleasure. Does anyone have any advice at all? Or just want to talk about how much I love her in the comments? I feel like if I get it out of my system I will come back down to earth and move on like I did the last time a couple years ago 😂

Side note: I'm pretty sure she knows that I had/have feelings for her. And I'm pretty sure she knows, that i know, that she knows. If that isn't too confusing. Essentially, I think it is something we both know about that exists between us that we choose to ignore to preserve the friendship. She is the greatest friend I have ever had, and I will never give that up. I decided a long time ago that this pain of what I now know is limerence is 100% worth getting to keep her in my life as my best friend. And I know she values our friendship just as much as I do. For Christ's sake, she has told boyfriends that she and I are a "package deal" and that i am her platonic soul mate.

I know i will get past this, like I have in the past. Does anyone have any advice on how to make it through limerence episodes? TIA