Am I emotionally detached?

Hi! It's been awhile since I last came in here

Ive been feeling, slightly better? I'm not thinking about killing myself all the time at least, ever since I started taking Lexapro recently. I guess it's not as hard for me to get up now.

However I still sort of have one problem, one I've been having for a long time but I just didn't know why. The fact that I can't really properly "feel" or get emotional. Usually I'd say I'm apathetic and have anhedonia, which I guess is true. However, I still felt like something was missing.

Like I can't feel strong emotions about something. For example, let's say there's a exciting event happening, like you got an achievement for something, everyone is happy for you, but you don't really feel anything? Like sure you're happy but are you really? I dealt with this often when getting rewards in school, though that was before taking meds but still. Or like a person you love, or saying I love you to a family member but do I really love them? I appreciate them but I don't feel nothing strong despite how close we are.

I had a situation with my mom like 2 years ago? Where I made her cry because I forgot to say happy mother's day to her and when she asked, I just bluntly said it and she cried and asked if I didn't care. In which I did say I didn't care, but that's not what I meant at all. Like I wanted to care, I felt bad that my brain didn't register it strongly, my brain just didn't care but I wanted to especially since I do appreciate my mom. That's all I'm the past but that situation was a eye opener for me and realizing how much this actually effects my connections with others.

It's frustrating. I constantly feel like I have to put on a fake mask when I'm trying to express my emotions without seeming rude. I'm just constantly just, here? If that makes sense. I didn't think much of it, but I know if I want to connect with others it'll be a problem. I don't want to look like I don't care when I do...but I unintentionally don't? Especially if hypothetically if I were to date someone, I already struggle with expressing affection as it just makes me uncomfortable in general or I don't think about it, so when it comes to gestures it will be a problem.

I did finally looked more into it and it came up possibly that I'm emotionally blunted or detached, or both even. I know with the blunted part I keep seeing mentions of antidepressants but I was like this long before I took meds recently.

I want to know how I can maybe fix this, if I even can. Or maybe that's just apart of my personality now and if that's the case, well whatever. I won't say my emotions are completely blunted, I still get happy about small things like looking forward to a game or show, liking characters, someone speaking to me, buying a treat, etc. However that's about the extent of it, just small doses, nothing major. It's honestly the reason why I also kinda struggle to understand others to an extent because I think more logically because of this rather than emotionally

Well yeah that's about it. I'm also curious if anyone deals with something similar. How do you handle it?