I'm seriously struggling and don't know what to do.

tw; I'm not sure if this is the right place to vent.

I'm ever vocalizing and actually admitting that I'm struggling with this for the first time in my life, so it's kinda hard.

I was struggling with my gender identity since I was 9, became a full blown "trans" around 12 to 15, then went to a conversion therapist. I even started hrt and reversed it back myself.

now i'm 17, about to turn 18, and all of the dysphoria that I pushed down are suddenly coming back up and I don't know why. I never can and never will transition though, that's for a fact. Because (the main reason is that) I'm a Muslim and its forbidden. I try to look at it as a exam that god puts me through and have really turned back to religion to help me. even if I wasn't a muslim, I still wouldn't transition though, because there isn't a single universe where my life can get better if I do. I'm a pretty masculine guy at 185 cms, broad shoulders, giant nose etc, so no option of passing without millions eitiher. plus, i'm the only son of a nationally well-known family. so no option of a actually good life, even in rationale thinking.

those three years were very traumatizing for me, especially remembering everything now. I, from the getgo, accepted that a good life was never waiting for me when I transitioned, so I tried to kill myself 11 times or so. after a while it got so bad I just completely Isolated myself from existence and slept 13 hours a day, 8 hours of school and 3 hours of awakeness. finally I told mom that I had a "boyfriend" at school and my parents (who have been parents for 32 years straight until that point) for the first time put their hands on me, which I think is a turning point in my life, although my friends disagree. ever since my detransition, my life has been ultra-well compared to that phase. I have friends, my family loves me and i'm sucessful academically. but I still feel a sting when I see a woman who can live out her femininity freely, or a woman being acted to politely, when I have to pull chairs and open doors for women.

this isn't to find a way out, because there isn't one. I just have to live through this. I just wanted to dump and maybe hear that I'm not alone, I guess.