4 year old takes independent play as rejection.

I don’t know how we got here but I’m losing it daily now and I don’t see what else to do. Please read the post before giving advice because we have tried a lot.

My 4 y/o only child hates independent play. She’s in preschool 3 days a week, after which we are available. We’re not sitting on our phones, we model the behaviors we want to see from her- creativity, independence, kindness. She has me and her dad each one day a week (we worked out the schedules with our jobs so we can each have a day with her, not divorced lol). On mommy days we hike, bake, go on playdates. Daddy days are usually a museum, arcade, etc. When we’re home, she is melting down any time we’re not doing an activity. She’s constantly asking “what’s next? What are we doing?” And sometimes, it’s just nothing. Sometimes we have to clean or meal prep. We don’t use screens a lot, but she has a chalkboard on the wall, a play kitchen, so many stuffies and toys that are open-ended and creative. It becomes a screaming crying hitting meltdown every time. She’ll say “you don’t love me, you’re ignoring me, I hate you”.

WHAT WE’VE TRIED:

1. Closed end activities, sitting next to each other doing the same activity but separately then fading to doing different activities next to each other (eg me working she’s crafting). This works sometimes but doesn’t seem to fill the back-and-forth she’s craving.

2. Starting an activity and having her finish it on her own. Only works half the time.

3. Working through the feelings together. “I’m so sorry you’re sad. I love you, I’m here for you. We’re having a quiet day, here are some options.”

4. Setting timers. “First quiet time until the clock beeps, then we can go play with friends.”

5. Free rein of the house. I don’t care what you do; take out every toy, water play in the kitchen, genuinely do WHATEVER you want just do it on your own without me.

I can’t take the whining and high pitched screaming anymore. And she would rather sleep than play on her own- she literally put herself to bed when I said I need 20 minutes to get dinner ready. What am I missing? She’s desperate for interaction and stimulation but I can’t cater to her forever, she’ll become an a*hole if we don’t promote some independence. She gets so much 1:1 time, as well as family time and peer time. Help :(