2 years

tw: unaliving thoughts This will be a huge ramble. Its been 2 years since I lost the love of my life. Two years since i last heard his beautiful voice... Two years since i died inside. I lost my soulmate in my early 20s to sepsis. We wanted to spend our lives together and grow old together. He didnt want to die... He was fighting until his last breath.

We met when i was almost 16 and had given up. I had been bullied by classmates and mistreated by partners for years and begged god to give me a reason to stay. Thats when he showed up. He taught me that I'm worthy of love and respect. He showed me that I deserve so much more than what others were giving me. He showed me what pure unconditional love is. He had no one when we met. I picked him up from rock bottom as well and made sure he knew he was cherished and I promised that I would never abandon him like his family did. Thats what kept me alive. I couldnt leave this world as long as he was alive. I didnt expect for that promise to not even last a decade...

It's been two years and tbh, I want to stay. I want what he did for me to count for something. Its just so hard knowing that I have decades to spend without him until we reunite. I don't think ill ever have a love like that again. I gave up on dating because it feels like cheating. I haven't been happy since he died. I live with my parents now and my room is an absolute mess. Doom piles everywhere. I leave the house maybe once a month and I only leave my bed to walk to the bathroom. I bathe maybe once every other week. I just want to feel okay again and have an urge to enjoy life again. My source of happiness is gone and i feel like im living on a planet without a sun.

Anyone whos been at this low, please tell me how you escaped it... i want to continue living this life that he saved... i just dont know how to rebuild.