Social anxiety is ruining my life

It’s to the point that I can’t hang out with my friends that I’ve known for YEARS, or even if I haven’t known them for that long, friends that I know and love and that I know love and care about me, without being under the influence.

It’s also not the type of anxiety where I’m a bit anxious and I don’t know why, it’s this deep utter shame and humiliation at every human interaction I have, and it runs so deep that when I’ve tried to do it without alcohol I have on a few occasions ended up throwing up from anxiety and then just leaving.

I’ve always had social anxiety — it was pretty bad in high school, got slightly better after, but after Covid it’s never been worse. A lot of my friends have never seen me sober because I literally just can’t sit in a room with them alone and have a good conversation.

Now I’m supposed to be sharing a room with three friends Nov 21-22 for a concert which I’m excited about (AC/DC, which I love), but the social aspect has already kicked in for me and I’m already reacting physically. I want to sneak alcohol in in a flask or something but I don’t want to hide it from them, and it’s not like they won’t smell it on my breath anyway.

It’s heartbreaking to me when I hear people say that they don’t need alcohol to have fun because I see it, they’re sober and having the time of their lives, whereas I’m in fight or flight mode the whole time, can’t get words out, or I say the wrong thing and it’s suddenly awkward. I genuinely don’t know how to combat this, and I don’t have the ability to go to therapy, it’s too expensive for me right now. Clearly, exposure therapy doesn’t work either, so I’m at a loss. :(