Lost him again

I had this wonderful, super caring, genuine best friend for years. He was so kind and consistent with our relationship that I came to trust him (more than I could trust anyone since I have sever trust issues due to extremely abusive upbringing). It's my fault, I didn't care about him enough. I was so focused on the transition between my new uni life and so stressed about what was happening in our batch, doing the 9-6 literally everday, that I started feeling exhausted and mentally drained. As a result, i wasn't able to invest time in my relationships, though I tried my best to do so and have the energy to even care about others.

I didn't regulate myself emotionally as I should have and also because i couldn't due to so much overwhelm that my nervous system crashed from stress and i went back to my old coping style. And in that.. i didn't care about other people's feelings. My friend texted me to ask me how I was and instead I had this huge psychotic meltdown about something illogical. I knew it was illogical but at that time my brain wasn't making sense. And due to these kind of repeated meltdowns, i unconsciously pushed him again because I couldn't handle my emotions like an adult.

And that lead to our friendship coming to an end. He couldn't deal with it anymore. And I thought that this time might be different but it was not, I had reverted back to my old patterns in stress. I don't know what to do. I have this heavy grief in my heart of losing him. And that we might never get to see each other again on a consistent basis.