I want to understand my insecurities about sex

I’m afraid to meet someone who’s slept around more than me because I don’t wanna be compared to them or to bump into them when I’m with you. And it’s also because I haven’t done that, so it’s envy as well.

I don’t want to watch porn if I’m seeing someone. I have an addiction by definition but just wouldn’t wanna waste the little energy I have. That’s another I have questions on. I wonder if people who dislike porn and masturbation so much are having sex all the time.

I just see it as people who are really well adjusted and have sex all the time berating people who struggle in those areas but have a sexual outlet. I struggle not to see it as bullying those who you think are underserving of a sexual outlet and should be abstinent asexual eunuchs.

I read it’s about they can’t or I can’t control my lust and that’s bad but I really have this narrative that normal people that have relationship always are having sex all the time.

I wanna rant about porn because even though I have an addiction I think it’s important to understand what you’re watching. I can no longer watch porn that isn’t a woman alone masturbating. I get really sad and insecure if I’m watching a man and woman have sex focusing on each other or even worse she looks into the camera.

Ever since I learned about humiliation dynamics in kink spaces I’ve been unable to do that and don’t desire to do that. Porn is normalized because there’s millions of views on those videos and people think everyone watches it. But just imagine that the camera is you and your eyes. If you were that camera what are you doing in that room? Just watching these two people have sex? Looking into her eyes while she’s having sex with some dude? Finishing the same time he does? I can’t do it anymore.

Was exposed too young like a lot of people and didn’t realize what I was watching. Ever since I realized those dynamics I’ve gotten really insecure in public at parties or bar type scenes. I’ll be at a party and people will start making out next to me and I’ll start to feel like it’s happening, like I’m the camera and I’m actually in the room or bar.

I want to not feel humiliated while with a woman. I want to feel respected and desired. I want her to feel that way too. I don’t want to feel like people are playing with me in my face or behind my back. Being flirty with other people while putting me down, even if it isn’t serious to you and especially please don’t if it’s about sex. Even the idea of the thought being there and you not fighting it is in my head. I would fight those thoughts or challenge them.

But I can’t fight them or challenge them when they’re insecure thoughts of you cheating or disrespecting me when it’s not 100% certain. Instead of just a friendly conversation with a laugh, I’ll see it as flirting right in my face and plotting to sleep together or it’s already happened and you both just want to hurt someone you think is weak.

Just don’t lie to me. And if I’m not at least on par with them, can we please just separate. Even though you say it doesn’t matter, I actually just cannot handle the thought.

If I mess up with a random woman I just met I stop talking to her. I give up. I know she’s been with people who didn’t embarrass themselves like I just did. I can’t handle it. She’s saying she doesn’t care, she just wants to see me again and it didn’t matter but I just don’t accept it.