Watching a movie with my son

I remember watching it with him on Christmas Day 2023. I was climbing the walls with anxiety. I was watching him, only three years old, playing with his Christmas presents, just being this innocent little child.

I kept thinking what if something happened to me because of my drinking. What if I let him down in such an unimaginable way because of something so avoidable. This wonderful, innocent little boy's life would be changed forever. I thought about how even if nothing terrible happened, he'd have to grow up confused, making sense of sober me vs drunk me. I went through that as a kid and it left me with a lot of issues.

I scraped through that day with that nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach. Two days later, I quit. It wasn't some victorious decision. I was a mess, I felt broken and guilty and ashamed and I had such little faith in myself. I had no idea if I could even make it a day sober. But from somewhere deep down, I got some fight into me. And somehow, the days racked up.

But for months and months, any time we watched that movie again I found it hard because it kept taking me back to that moment. It stayed raw for a long time.

But tonight, with two years sober emerging on the horizon, we're watching that movie again after having the loveliest lazy day together at home. Now, I enjoy it. I really enjoy it. I look at my son and know how much better his life is because he isn't in a home with alcohol in it. I'm giving him something my parents were unable to give me.

I still remember being so confused and angry at them, never understanding why I wasn't enough of a reason for them to give it up. When I was old enough to tell them how horrible it was to live that way, it just wasn't enough to make them quit.

I'm not angry at them now. I understand how hard it was for them and I've made some peace with it. But I paid a price and I don't want my son to ever have to feel that pain.

I'm going to enjoy my sober Saturday night, and our movie :)

IWNDWYT