I saw my cousin again after years, and it brought back everything I tried to forget

When I was younger something happened between me and my cousin who’s a few years older than me. We both were kids, but what happened wasn’t right. Back then, I didn’t understand boundaries or what consent really meant. I had confusing feelings part of me cared for him, part of me felt uncomfortable, and part of me didn’t even understand what was happening. As I grew older, the guilt and confusion became heavier. In my teenage years, something else happened. A guy crossed a line with me and that’s when everything from the past came crashing down. I told my parents and his parents about what my cousin did, but I left out that I was also involved and didn’t know any better at the time. I was angry, hurt, and felt used. I said harsh things to him and his family, and we stopped talking after that. Years passed. Recently, I visited his house for a family gathering for the first time since everything happened. I didn’t look at him I just kept staring at my phone, pretending I didn’t notice him. My heart was pounding, and I felt a mix of shame, fear, and sadness. I don’t know if he saw me, but he left a few minutes later. It was such a strange moment it felt like time froze. Even now, I still don’t know how to feel about everything. Sometimes I feel angry at him, sometimes guilty, sometimes like that younger version of me still doesn’t know what really happened. I don’t have any feelings for him now, but remembering that I once did makes me feel disgusted and ashamed, even though I know I was too young to understand anything. I don’t really know why I’m writing this. Maybe I just needed to let it out. It’s something that’s haunted me and seeing him again reopened all those emotions I thought I buried.

TL;DR: When I was younger, something inappropriate and confusing happened between me and my older cousin. I carried guilt and mixed feelings for years. Recently, I saw him again at a family gathering for the first time in ages, and it brought back all the emotions I thought I’d buried confusion, guilt, anger, and sadness. I just needed to get this off my chest.