Sexual Assault Allegations

I (16F) believe I have been sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend (16M). It began when I was stressed during exam season (July) and as a result I lost my period for three months. During the first couple months, my sex drive began to decline because my hormones were very unbalanced. As a result of this, whenever we participated in sexual activities, I would ask to stop in the middle of them. However, instead of comforting me, he would sigh, then go on his phone for around 10 minutes whilst ignoring me only to ask if I still found him attractive. He did this subconsciously I believe, but I recognised it and called him out on his behaviour, saying he needed to work on his insecurities, which he said he would but never ended up doing and he repeated this behaviour up until we broke up (October). Could this count as coercion?

Additionally, he would beg me to send pictures and I got fed up one day, telling him I wanted to stop sexual activities as a whole. He initially agreed to this, saying we could resume when I was ready. However, as time went one, he began messaging me telling me how he really didn’t like this and it was natural for people in love to do things of the sort. I expressed my discomfort but he kept saying to let him try one more time and if I didn’t want to do anything I wouldn’t have to ever again. I kept saying no, but at this point he was messaging one of my friends, going into detail about the things he did to me and saying how he’d attempt to initiate when I next came over, even though he explained he knew I wanted to stop as a whole.

When I did go over and stay at his house eventually, he initiated. I refused at first but then he told me to give it one last chance so I did. I enjoyed it, so I’m unsure if this qualifies as coercion. On one hand he did ask me only twice, but on the other hand I also allowed him to even though I asked him not to initiate anymore.

He had a habit of always guilt tripping me and blaming it on being insecure when we were together, saying sexual deeds made him feel loved. This made me increasingly uncomfortable around him to the point where I didn’t feel safe being with him in person and I knew he would do something of the sort every time he came around to my house.

The final straw was when he came to my house before my birthday. He got upset with me for ignoring him during my birthday hangout with other friends which I did because I just felt uncomfortable with him. This resulted in my ex-boyfriend lecturing me for the two days he was there. In between these lectures, he would attempt to initiate sexual activity and I admit I did give in once because I wanted to please him. However, I stopped and he did the whole guilt tripping routine all over again. Later, he started grinding on me (through clothes). I told him to stop five times because I think I was visibly uncomfortable but he told me I said it in a joking manner and he assumed I meant I wanted to stop to go downstairs or something which is why he continued. I just lay there and accepted it because he is almost double my weight, but I’m not sure if I communicated my discomfort because I didn’t physically try to stop him. However, I do recall just telling him to stop five times and never mentioning anything about going downstairs. He has changed the narrative twice and when I asked him today, he said I was saying “stop I want a sweet treat” which would be weird in that context too so I’m sure that’s not what happened.

Later after this incident, he repeated this only when I told him to stop once, he just said it would be ok and kept going. These incidents all together are what encouraged me to break up with him.

Following the breakup, I confided in a few of my friends because I just felt lost. One of them was the girl he talked to when we were refraining from sexual activities. I told her about these things and asked if she had any screenshots of him saying he would initiate despite knowing I wasn’t comfortable. She did not have these because he would often turn disappearing messages on since he knew what he was doing was wrong. I mentioned he had moved on quickly and was now talking to a girl from her school after only a week of breaking up. She messaged this girl warning her of all the allegations even though I told her not to, believing I should give him chance to start over. She said she didn’t care and was doing it for this girl’s safety.

This girl obviously told my ex boyfriend who then got so angry with me, saying it was false accusations and this never happened. He got him mum involved who called me and threatened to get the police involved even though it was this girl accusing him of being a “sex offender” due to his actions, but they assumed this meant a rapist and started lecturing me about how I could ruin his life although I never claimed he was one.

I sent screenshot evidence to his mother of him admitted he sexually assaulted me, explaining all of this. She just read it and said she had no words. She then proceeded to blame me, saying she knew none of this was true/it wasn’t his intention and her son wasn’t a sex offender. She was furious with me and threatened to tell my mum about this and drive down to my house.

Me and my ex boyfriend reached a resolution where he would forgive me if I told everybody the allegations were fake and he wasn’t a rapist/sex offender. I did this out of fear of getting in legal trouble even though I don’t believe I lied about anything. Yet because he is very open about his relationship business, he told everyone on the group chat about these allegations, making me out to be the bad person. He is ruining my life and doesn’t believe he could ever be in the wrong.

I can’t stop blaming myself. Everyone is on his side because he’s vocal about his opinions. I can’t tell my mum either because I’m ashamed yet he has his entire family on his side. I’ve been feeling awful. I only have two friends who know my side or the story. Could the police actually punish me for telling people this, even when I have proof of him admitted he SA’d me, or was this whole situation just a big misunderstanding that I’ve let blow way out of proportion? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don’t want people thinking I’ve falsely accused this boy because I know the consequences that can have (he had a false rape accusation when we were dating and I comforted him through that, also whilst being shocked that anyone could do such a thing). I just feel so lost now and I’m living in constant fear. Every time someone knocks on my door I get paranoid it’s the police or his mum. I’m also worried he may try the same thing on this new girl he is talking to (she didn’t believe it for a second). Please help.