Advice please please please

Me (F27) and my bf (M29) are at a strange point in our 2 & 1/2 year relationship. I love him with my whole heart. We are on very different timetables, he is in hospitality for 2 days a week and at college 2 days a week and I have a 9-5 kinda style job, but it’s very involved and does go out of the hours every now and again. I’m so proud of him since over the last year he’s went to college to start something new again, and he’s finding what he’s interested in, but he’s also floating tons of ideas and never really sticking to any of them. He has worded that he feels no ambition to properly stick to anything.

My worry is that i haven’t felt supported properly when I talk to him with things that are stressing me or upsetting me (work, family etc). Sometimes all I want is a hug, but he is very closed off and doesn’t seem to recognise when to give me a hug or ask if I’m ok, even when I’m crying in front of him (which has only happened once, but recently as a lot was happening and work was crazy).

This feeling of not being supported has gone on for a while and I have a real tendency to not say anything as I feel really down when things aren’t great, but as soon as I see a smile and we have a laugh, I feel SO great and I just don’t say anything - this repeats itself. I’ll add that there are a LOT of good times and they’re really great.

I got to a point where I needed to say everything and I don’t know where it came from but I hit a boiling point and I put everything out there and said how Im not sure I’m happy overall, I just don’t know what to feel and I don’t like having to navigate his differing moods (didn’t say this to him but this could also be a result of me having alco parents throughout my childhood and still to this day, which he knows fully about) - im also thinking future wise, i want marriage and happiness and love, like pure love where someone just knows you.

As im typing this im realising the outcome but how do i explain this? My brain is a scramble and I love him, i dont want to lose him. But yet i have initiated this.

Advice please