Loneliness around SH

I got my 4 yr milestone a couple days ago and…it just doesn’t feel like it’s suppose to. I remember my first yr milestone feeling good like I felt accomplished and the years after that just felt meh. I’ve only found this sub recently and it makes me glad in a way to feel not so alone. Reading people’s posts helps a little but I wish I had friends I could talk to about this. It feels like my sh issues stem from being unable to talk about what I’m thinking since most of it is all depressing and I don’t like putting that on people. I technically can talk about my own shit but it seems so awkward to say something like “I still think about hurting myself and idk what to do about that”. I almost didn’t even make it to 4yrs. I got here bc I couldn’t relapse before a doctors appt and now it feels like an obligation to keep going bc of all the time I’ve spent being clean.