I hate that I like women.

It may sound absurd, but I've been living with this feeling for most of my conscious years. Not in the "I like men" sense, but in more existential one. I hate that I am attracted to certain things. And It's really ruining my life.

It's all started in 5th grade. When we goofed out in school doing puberty teenage things, i.e. running from girls for lifting their skirts(it was consensual, girls were never truly angry).

I followed what the crowd were doing and it was fun, until it was my time to lift a skirt.

When I did it I was horrified. Because under the skirt were just panties. It was actually what I was expecting, nothing that would strike out as usual. But it struck me. It was just panties, of another human, nothing special. It really made me question the reason why we do all of this. Women are just another human, so why would I chase them? To merely satisfy my fundamental instincts? It really fucking messed me up.

I went to the rapist, and all she said was to "accept your humanity. You are not what you think, but what you do". Wow. Just accept that I am fucking biorobot made for sole purpose of spreading my semen.

Every time when I see attractive girl who's obviously made a lot of effort to look good, clothes, make up, it makes me physically cringe. Doesn't she feel like she is objectifying herself? They even walk different.

How do I fix this? It really made my interactions with women sad as fuck. I feel guilt every time I talk with them, because I like them not for their personality, but body.

How to stop being pussy and start regardmaxxing? I just want to be like others.

P.s. this is the only sub that I trust. I don't want to take advise from 340 pound redditor who havent seen the sun since the fall of Soviet union. You guys keep it real at least. Steroid meatheads.