Bash me as much you want!

I'm hating myself to guts. I've always hated myself. I deserve the hatred of the whole world. I'm that person whose a failure in both worlds. I'm sure at this point that Allah also hates me. I've committed all big sins (a milder form of shirk also by liking and enjoying blasphemous content). My family fears me so much to the point that they can't even in their imagination think of doing something against my will. I'm the reason of all the toxicity and negative energy of my home. The day of my death will take the lift off their lives and they'll feel lighter like they never did. I'm a failure and I only earn bad'duas of my family. I'm not here for advices or telling me how I can change myself etc etc. I've tried to change myself multiple times with sincere Duas but Allah doesn't help me in this matter. I've always sought nothing but hidaya. Because I heard it never gets rejected. But it did in my case, so I'm utterly disappointed. Allah is definitely punishing me in the worst ways. My heart is heavy and it'll always be heavy.