Do I give up on you, or, do I keep loving you?

I don’t know if I should give up on you, or, keep loving you. I know that I get afraid to go to sleep sometimes because I know I will fall into dreams of you. I do love it though. The way that you are, the way that I see you, even if you’re a construct of an idea of someone who might be out there. I don’t know if I am in love with you because of the pain that I have endured, or, if it is something else. Maybe I am afraid of something real. Maybe I am broken. I can’t tell the difference between my pain and my past and you anymore. I guess that is the way that it’s supposed to be. Sometimes, I worry that you’re just a way to work through the heartbreak that he put me through - because if I go sit at the ocean and stare too long into the ocean waves, my thoughts always drift off to him. I don’t think, I will ever heal that wound.

I don’t know why I am made this way. I don’t know why I give everything that I am. Sometimes, I wish I could quiet the passion. But, it is devouring. It is consuming. It is without limits, total reckoning.

I think before I leave Reddit I would like to talk about it. But, I don’t know how to talk about it. I know it eats me alive. I have panic attacks and feel the room spinning. My palms get sweaty and my heart races. I feel like I will pass out. Am I walking away from my destiny by letting you go? Or, am I pulling the threads of destiny further away from you?

I wish there was an answer. I wish I could just know. But knowing would ruin all the magic. Even after almost a year here, I don’t know where I stand. I am going to long for you for the rest of my life, with every breath. I want to detach from you. I want to severe my love for you. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Yet, here I am. I go between mind-numbing emptiness and being swallowed whole by you. I re-read posts and don’t even know who I was in those moments. I am detached from myself. I don’t want this to be a copying mechanism. But, if I do write about you, that somehow makes you real and then I see how in love I am with you and how much I abandon myself in these walls, these days, these structural barriers I’ve designed to keep myself small, to keep myself hidden, to just be.

I want you. But, how can I? When I don’t want myself. I keep putting you on a pedestal, putting a timeline together to distance myself from you, but I know, it’s just backfiring every time when I see you break past the barriers of my dreams and you hold me like I was made for you and you were made for me and I forget everything. I forget all the days I cried, waiting for you here, wondering if I was worth anything, haunted by post apocalypse’s and flowers without names, with stupid music boxes I can’t stop playing and insects I can’t stop saving, hoping with each and every step, each and every breath, that you will emerge and we will kiss and disappear into all the days we were promised in every life I have lived and you have lived without each other.

-SS