How do you date intentionally?

Basically what the title says. All of my relationships have basically just come out of a hookup. Some were definitely better than others, but they were all pretty horrible in hindsight.

In a partner I want commitment, not exclusively dating to marry but at least dating to be together for a while. I want someone who is actually interested in me, someone who wants to build a life together while maintaining their own sense of self.

The issue is when I meet people on apps who seem too into me to soon, or looking too hard for a relationship, it feels disingenuous. It feels as if they are just taking what they know of me and molding that to fit their ideals. It immediately feels like it won't work out so I pull away.

I think a degree of nonchalance is probably a green flag when online dating, no? I don't know you, you don't know me, let's feel each other out instead of hoping a relationship will form. But I think my expectation of a degree of nonchalance is what's attracting me to people with horrible attachment and commitment issues.

I hope this was legible somehow, but does anyone have any advice? I really want to be more intentional about who I talk to, who I date, who I give my energy towards so I can maybe find the one. Or at least a one lol. But between struggling to meet people while also doubting my own ability to pick someone, I don't even know where to start.