Forest for the Trees

All of this just needs to come out somewhere. This is just for me.

None of it was real. And I wasted most of this year trying for no reason. Hell, fifteen months. He never saw the forest for the trees back last year, before I finally got fed up and disappeared. And he still can't seem to see them now.

He doesn't love me. He never did. He didn't even seem to care. Maybe he does now, now that he may lose me completely, but I don't think he's fully aware of how awful his actions came off on the receiving end. It was heartbreaking. He used me for company and took me and my kindness and love for granted. He led me on for months making me think that he loved me, too. Nothing he said or did was real, just a ruse to save himself from being alone. Meanwhile, he never saw me. I was so invisible. Forest for the trees, always. I don't think he realizes what he threw away, but even if he does, I never want him back. Years of assholes tossing him aside because of who he is and his history, yet when he finally finds someone who loves and accepts him for all of him, he just....doesn't seem to care. Bare minimum, bread crumb loving. I don't understand treating someone who loves you so indifferently. He didn't care enough to tell me I was wasting my time. I had to drag it out of him after months of heartbreak and confusion. Coward.

Even now, I don't think he grasps the horrible amount of harm and constant pain he caused. He suddenly wants to be my best friend again. Wants to talk all the time. But where was that after you'd talked me into a relationship with you and then checked out? You didn't care then. You didn't want to talk, not really. I was easy to ignore, for months. But now you want to be close? Why? Because I may leave for good? Why do I matter now? And how the hell am I supposed to trust you after what you put me through? What happens if I get hurt again and I'm not fun for a while?

I'm writing this and I want to throw up. Sometimes I still can't believe someone who seems so good did something so heartless to me. I tried so hard. I tried so damn hard. Why wasn't I enough? Why treat me like I'm optional? Why? Why not tell me the truth in the spring when you knew so I didn't have to go through months of pain? Why?

IHe said he held a fumbled sentence and a head injury I didn't ask for against me, all this time. That's what caused him to check out, back in the beginning of summer. He knew this whole time he didn't really care but dragged me along anyway.

I tried so hard, but all he saw me as was my mistakes. Not me. Just my mistakes. Not the effort to connect, to be there, trying to show him its safe to talk about her, trying to give him the support he didn't get from others. He didn't see any of it, it would seem.

And the irony is now, that's all I view him as. He's all of the cruel things he did. All of his unkind actions and his unwillingness to be honest because he was afraid of losing one of his anchor people and being by himself.

He told me last night that he wants to be friends forever, that he'll always be there for me, that I deserve so much better than him but he still always wants me around. And all I could think was, liar. Liar. Liar. You've checked out and caused unfathomable harm so many times before. I don't believe for a minute anything you say to me, even if you actually do mean what you're saying in the moment. You didn't seem to care about me being around before, when it really mattered. You failed me completely in place of being there for me when it counted. Though yes, I do deserve so much better than this, and you. I truly do. And I hope when I finally find better, they're all of the things you said you're be and then weren't. There's going to be someone out there who actually sees and loves me, even when I'm not perfect. You know, the way I loved you, before you tore that love right out of my chest a few weeks ago.

You told me in the spring to pay attention to your actions, not words. I have been. And now that's why all I can see you as right now is your mistakes. It's a sad irony. Just as you finally seem to start trying again, attempting to be close and keep me around, I'm half out the door, all of that love finally gone, replaced by disgust and wariness and mounting disinterest.

Unsure of which path I'll take here, because he was my friend, but I don't love him anymore, not after what he put me through, how badly he hurt me, and in the absence of that love, I find myself not wanting anything to do with him. Part of me is trying, if only for his sake right now, but he doesn't seem to get exactly how far he has pushed me away.

He wasn't who I thought he was. None of it was real. All I loved and tried for was a lie. I feel so stupid to have been so trusting. I don't want to make the same mistake trusting now. I do wish I'd never met him. He caused far too much pain in the end. I wish this was still a source of happiness or solace or trust, but I feel none of those things with him. Just his mistakes.

We'll see what happens. But I only have so much grace to give. Part of me doesn't want to leave after all of our history. The other part of me crawls in my skin listening to him be all happy to talk to me while I'm still silently nursing open wounds and wondering when he's gonna check out next. I did my best to always be there and never let him down. He didn't do the same when it really would've mattered. He didn't care enough to be honest with me. I don't know how to trust a damn thing he says or does now. But we'll see. We'll see.

Just had to get this out somewhere. Better here than saying it to him. I've realized I don't even trust him enough to tell him when I'm upset anymore. I'm not fun then.

I don't know. I wish he didn't seem to only really care about and try for the people who may ditch him at a moments notice. I wish he'd seen and actually loved me when I was his. I wish none of this had happened. I hope whoever comes next has the patience for a girl who had the one person they trusted and depended on the most completely let her down. I'm going to be damaged. I might be hard to love. But there's gotta be someone out there who's gonna love me like I love others. And this will be filed away with all of this other things I don't care about anymore.

I don't know. Best friends. I'll try. But the words seem so hollow coming from him after what he did. We'll see. We'll see. I won't be hopeful but we'll see. It depends on him and what he does at this point. Don't fully want to leave but if he takes me for granted or treats me like an option again, I'm gone. We'll see.