I was abused in a mental hospital. I’m so much worse now.

This was weeks ago, and I feel so helpless.

I was seeking outpatient care (group therapy) from a facility before they decided to involuntarily admit me. I thought it was whatever because I had been admitted about half a decade ago and it was fine, so I went with it.

I started throwing up violently during the intake at 4pm, to the point where I could hardly move. I was screamed at to stop crying (not being violent toward myself or anyone else) or threatening to lock in a room alone for asking over and over for any sort of nausea medication before the gave me an ibuprofen. I asked if I could leave, since I came in voluntarily, to get myself some nausea meds. Nurses refused, threatened to hold me in there involuntarily for being noncompliant, and telling me to wait for “the doctor.” I threw that up with the water I drank. I literally could not keep down a single sip of water. Nurses claimed that I was detoxing, when I did a drug test during the intake. I don’t even drink alcohol.

They then proceeded to strip me, entirely naked. They took away my bra (with NO underwire) and underwear, and gave me paper scrubs that were too small that ripped immediately. The nurses seemed to enjoy/be amused by my exposure and demanded that I stop trying to cover myself with my hands or they would keep me admitted for longer. I had to keep my hands by my side as they walked me into my room.

I then asked to eat, and they said I missed dinner at 8– (I waited in a locked room in intake from 4pm to 10pm,) and that they would bring me food since I couldn’t move all the way to the cafeteria. It never came. I never ate at the mental hospital and was starved for 36 hours and none of the nurses gave a shit.

I don’t remember much other than laying in bed, hunched over vomiting, or dragging myself a few steps when I was forced to go to group therapy or needed to use the bathroom, and collapsing to my knees and throwing up before I just. Kept going. Like a zombie. Because I had to. Or I was being “noncompliant.”

The way I got out was by sneaking over to the phone while everyone was busy during group therapy (I just said I needed to pee), called my partner quickly and telling him what happened using the phone in the hall that was supposed to be supervised, instantly got caught and reprimanded verbally by a nurse. My partner drove over and raised absolute fucking hell until they let me leave. I don’t know when I would have been let out otherwise.

The first place I went was an urgent care, where I was diagnosed with severe dehydration. The doctor said they were shocked I wasn’t in… shock. When I woke up the next day, I saw the white ceiling with a wooden nightstand next to my bed, and starting sobbing my eyes in a panic thinking that I woke up there.

I can’t open up to anyone anymore. I’m terrified of people noticing I’m sad or depressed and thinking they need to send me away. I can’t go to therapy anymore. Somehow I wish I was back at my normal normal, where I was just sobbing for hours at a time versus an anxious blob that starts crying and lashing out at others to go away if they feel nauseous. I have no fucking idea how to improve my mental health now, because of the system meant to do so. I can’t believe humanity is this fucking rotten.