Is therapy worth it? What if I can't afford it?

Hey. This is my very first reddit post after lurking for a couple years.

I (35m) have cPTSD from a very rough childhood with a highly abusive parent. For the longest time, I shoved everything down and ignored it. That was the best I could do. The only other thing I could manage was using anger as a shield. I didn't take my anger out on others, but it slowly suffocated me. I never spoke a word about what happened to me.

What if I deserved it? What if I was a better kid? What if no one believes me? What if no one cares? Will they also call me dramatic? Say that I'm over-reacting? Tell me that family is family?

These questions and more plagued my thoughts all my life, and that kept me silent. Over time, I began to realize that my past was affecting me in other ways. I self-sabotaged my relationships. I remained isolated, even from friends who love me. Worst of all, my mental landscape just kept deteriorating -- keeps deteriorating.

At the beginning of this month, I realized that I needed to do something. But what? Therapy? How do I find a therapist? How do I afford one? Can I really trust them? I'm not sure.

I began a journal for the first time in my life. I never had the privacy to do so before. My parents constantly looked through all of my things, always using for fodder to use against me. It didn't feel safe. I didn't feel safe. And now? I'm grown and no longer have to worry about that breach in privacy. I used prompts I found online, hoping to slowly work through my childhood traumas.

At first it felt somewhat cathartic, if strange, and I felt almost confused at points. I write without the mask of anger to shield me, and as I do so, emotions I never recognized began to flow through me. After about of week of writing at least one entry a day, without ever experiencing anxiety before, I experienced an extremely severe panic attack for the first time in my life. My thoughts were calm and logical, and I told myself this must be a panic attack -- reminded myself that I'm safe and it will pass.

The symptoms bombarded me all at once. My heartrace skyrocketed, my vision tunneled, became fuzzy around the perimeter, and then blurred. I felt dizzy. My chest was tight and my body flushed so hot I instantly began to sweat. I sat heavily on the chair next to my front door and told myself to breathe. I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them, I was lying crumpled on the floor with my cats cautiously sniffing my face. I have no idea how long I was out. I forced myself back onto the chair and struggled out of my hoodie, still experiencing all those symptoms. Then, out of nowhere, I vomited. It was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. It freaked me out. I had never felt anything like that before -- not even close.

I knew at once that my body was trying to process the traumas I had begun to write about. I was actively writing an entry when it happened. I called for my friend who was Viking and he ran into the front room when he heard my voice. I told him with a shaking voice what was happening and he helped me. Said he thought the loud bang he heard was the cats knocking something over, but since I was in the front room, he thought it wasn't serious since I didn't say anything. Thankfully, he is a very good and attentive friend. Even with me protesting, he cared for me and helped me clean my carpet.

Ever since then, I've begun to have nightmares -- flashbacks of my past, and new scenarios where abusive parent tormented me by stalking me and hovering, infiltrating my groups and spaces. Lately, my parent has begun to do just that. I finally went no-contact 3 years ago, for good. I tried a few times before and always allowed guilt-tripping and crisis to reel me back in. Each time, I was taken advantage of -- mostly financially. 3 years ago I had enough after my parents racked up over $15k in credit card debt in my name. I was done. I am done. And now, after 3 years, my parent is doing everything possible to force a way back into my life.

I know I need therapy, but with the economy in shambles and my precious pets, my priorities are keeping a roof over our heads and making sure they have everything they need to be happy and healthy. But I can feel something fundamental in myself beginning to crack. I feel overwhelmed. The nightmares come almost every night. Things I thought I had forgotten or gotten over just keep coming back to haunt me.

I'm in medical school again (4.0 GPA somehow lol), continuing my education where I left off after being forced to leave for "family crisis" this and "emergency" that. I'm the responsible one. I always find a way. I'm independent. Things I used to be proud of are now hindering me. My family looks at me and thinks I don't need help, but my best friends -- who I finally began to open up to about my abuse -- have been supportive and patient, and they agree that I need therapy or some kind of help, but where do I start? How do I start? Have I already begun and don't realize it?

I understand this post may be rambling and all over the place, but I could really use some solid advice, hopefully from professionals or people who have experienced this sort of thing. I don't want handouts. I don't need prayers or sympathies. I need practical advice. Something I can use to help guide me. I'm finally in a place where I can work on myself and progress my own life in the direction I've always dreamed of, and I will be dawned if I allow this to stop me. I will not break down. I will work hard to better myself. I just need a little guidance.

Thank you all for reading.

• Bookish Boy