I feel like a damn monster

I have NOT had a good Saturday. It started with my husband throwing a tantrum because his nearly deaf ass didn't hear me when I responded to him and thought I was ignoring him.

That was while I was cooking breakfast mind you.

It's been up and down all day since.

Almost an hour ago, I brought my very tired and cranky toddler upstairs for bed time. I had her on the changing table and for the first time in weeks, I forgot to slide it away from the wall. Her baby monitor camera is on the wall above the changing table, pointed at her crib. The cable hangs down in such a way that can, and takes great joy in, hooking it with her foot and yanking it out of position while I'm trying to get her into PJs.

I started just pulling the changing table away from the wall and pushing it back when I pick her up from it but I forgot tonight and as soon as she was laid down, she kicked that foot and caught the cable.

It's no excuse but I was already at the end of my nerves at this point and I kinda growled "UUUGGHHH WHHYY??" In frustration.

She tensed up and looked at me like she was fucking terrified and burst into tears.

I feel so fucking bad. I scooped her up immediately and cuddled her and told her I loved her and I was so so sorry I scared her. She hugged me back and cried "it's okay mama! Big hug mama!" but it's not okay. I feel like a monster.

I rocked her in her rocking chair and sobbed while she fell asleep without a care in the world like 3 minutes later.

I didn't even mean to raise my voice. She didn't deserve that, she was just doing toddler stuff you know? I'm drowning in guilt right now and feel like a shit mom.