where do I begin?

I am exhausted. Being married to a narcissist is not for the weak…

For context, I am 23F with 2 under 2 children. I am also a veteran married to a LE officer. Ever since I left service, I have been a stay at home mom.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant with my first baby, my husband changed. It was like a switch went off…

Before having children, we were such a great couple. We were happy. We had talked about marriage and children down the line and knew we wanted to experience it all together. Although it happened quicker than expected, I had anticipated my husband, boyfriend at the time, to be excited. He was not.

Throughout my first pregnancy, my husband started “developing” anger issues. I was (still am) constantly walking on eggshells, apologizing for everything, attempting to make everything perfect for him because if it wasn’t - it ruined the whole day. It could even be a matter of if his coffee was too cold or he didn’t have breakfast to eat, it was always my fault / taken out on me.

I tend to trust me intuition, and I had a hunch I needed to check his phone. He is very territorial over his phone and won’t let me randomly use it- even to change a song. Yes, I know- terrible. However I did, and sure enough I found text messages about to his female coworker talking about my pregnancy. He told the her he is dreading taking me maternity clothes shopping and that I’m getting too excited. He also told her statistically, we will end up divorced anyways. When i found these messages, i was 3 weeks postpartum with my first baby. When I confronted him, he insisted that “wasn’t who he was anymore” and he was foolish. I chose to believe him… even though I was still dealing with his anger issues. To this day he still does not want me seeing his phone.

In the hospital after having both our babies, never once did I hear “I’m proud of you” or anything encouraging during childbirth. No real smiles or tears during his children’s births. Nothing. Just complaints about how he couldn’t sleep on the couch in the hospital room and making me scoot over in my hospital bed so he could sleep next to me ( 2 time c section mom here). He kept complaining and saying that we wanted to leave early… I was fine staying in the hospital for the 3-4 days but he insisted we left earlier so he could sleep in our bed at home.

During my second baby’s birth, same thing. But this time I was fishing for a compliment… I asked, “well, are you proud of me?” in response I got, “yeah.” I said, “do you think I did a good job? are you happy?” “Sure”. Same thing… we only stayed 2 nights.

When I was 1 week postpartum with my second baby, I could barely get out of bed. I needed assistance and I would get nauseous standing up and down to get the baby. Around 11PM, I woke up my husband and asked if he could change our baby and hand her to me so I could feed her. He dramatically sighs, puts her on the changing table. She is crying, as a newborn baby does- and my husband gets so frustrated he screams, drops down to his knees and repeatedly slams his head into the floor. I am absolutely horrified at this behavior so I jump up holding my stomach and rush to my baby. My husband crawls into bed and falls right back asleep- mumbling complaints and curse words as he drifts off.

Here I am almost 9 months later after my second baby. No real progress on the marriage. I have told him many times I am not happy in this marriage. Instead of taking accountability, he always finds a way to pin the blame of his behavior on me. “I wouldn’t act this way if you hadn’t…” “well if you did ___ I wouldn’t have been upset this morning” “well you just never want to have s*x with me anymore so that’s why I’m angry”

He has told me he will make my life a living hell if I try to divorce him. He said he would k*ll himself if I left him. I have given him all sorts of outs and benefits to divorce. I told him I wouldn’t tell a soul about how he treated me . I wouldn’t tell his parents. If we just had a peaceful divorce I wouldn’t fight. He told me he would fight me in court for as long as it would take.

And it’s ALWAYS, “you know you aren’t abused. You make it seem so much worse than it is”

I once told him that some women have never been yelled at by their husbands. and to that he said well sucks for you but they aren’t us.

There’s no escape. I’m just a broke stay at home mom. He won’t let me leave. I am absolutely sick. And to add to all this- I genuinely believe he does not enjoy being a father or a husband. When we are around other people, it’s like a brand new husband. He’s tossing the kids around and playing, holding my youngest. Telling my in laws about the kids like he knows them. But whenever we leave, he wants nothing to do with them. Which makes me think divorce isn’t the option because what will my young babies do when they need a parent and I’m not there? Will they just sit there waiting for attention while he sits on his phone? On his mornings or days off, he’s always on his phone. I have to ask him for his help. And if I don’t ask him exactly what I need him to do in perfect detail, he won’t do it. For example, if I were to ask him to, “do the dishes” he would empty out the dishwasher and not put the dirty dishes sitting in the sink in the dishwasher. I say, “hey why didn’t you put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher” “well you didn’t tell me to”

There’s so much more. However, I feel like I’ve been going through this for so long, my mind is erasing the memories. I can’t remember much of my babies childhood and they are still very young. My mind is trying to protect me and erase the memories he corrupted.

I fantasize about what it would be like to have a nice husband. One who never yells. Who gives me affection without expecting s*x in return. Who enjoys being a father. Someone who is present. I’m not proud to say this, but I often think about other men I know and wonder if they would be sweet to me. Proud of the woman I am. Not yell at me in public.

Before I get hate in the comments please know this: I love my children and I wouldn’t have given them up for the world. I wish our circumstances were different and I wish I broke the cycle. But I am doing the best I can and protecting them how I think is best. They will always have me.

Maybe one day I will be loved. Until then, I’ll be here protecting my children and watching them grow into beautiful humans.