Mental ramble: childhood trauma, relationships, and shit

When I was a child, I had experience a lot of traumas related to physical, mental and sexual abuse by family. And through out my life, other events happened that I guess can be labeled as traumatic but for me at this point it's just what it is. I have been put as the role of peace keeper whilst being the youngest one. Whether it was tending to people's emotional needs to physically putting myself in between people. This was to maintain “peace” which was just making sure everyone stayed silent. That nothing left behind these walls.

It can be things like making my siblings laugh to defuse the tension, putting myself between them fighting which has lead to me being hurt to things like making sure someone overdosing didnt choke on their own vomit while I wait for the ambulance to arrive and lying to police and medics over the years.

A specifc example that will go into more of my childhood, which Tw: CSA mentioned, is

After my mother kidnapped me, it was never reported. We were kept with her for about a month before she gave us back. When she (legally) kidnapped me, she had shown up to my elementary school, crying and screaming. I didnt care she was crying, but, I knew I would get in trouble if I allowed her to keep going like that so I went with her. Legally, she wasnt supposed to be doing this. But to my family, it didnt matter as long as it was kept under wraps.

I have very little memories of my childhood. Just a lit of blank areas. But I remember during that time she would try to spoil me, all while saying how cruel it was for xyz to take us away, as if she hadnt phyically and mentally abused everyone in the household that I would witness or have to be hidden from. I remember her driving wrecklessly while screaming that it was her mothers fault she was like this and how she used to be sexually abused.

She would do the last bit too when I would go over by myself for weekends (I was supposed to go with my siblings but they didnt want to go. I went so she didnt press charges) but this was after she would try to subtly initiate sexual activities with me. (For example, she would run her hand up my thighs while in bed together, talking about what kind of cock I liked (white, black, brown, big, small, etc) and how men want skinny white blonde women who knew how to please them with cooking and sex. And when she would get too close, I would move away in which she got offended and asked why I didnt love her. Sometimes she would sob, sometimes she would sob on me and beg for me not to be scared of me, whether I was hiding in a closet or she was holding onto me.)

Then there was other stuff that I do not wish to say because she did actually do things. And sometimes, I feel like I remember worse but I cant tell if it happened or not. I remember watching this one video on Youtube about a woman who had been raised by predators and surrounded by them all her life, she mentioned how her mother would make them watch and for some reason. That made some sort of blurry image come to mind and a heavy feeling of just.. confusion, disgust, anger, and I think sorrow. It hit something inside me but I couldnt remember but its like emotionally I did but I cant tell if it happened or not but it feels familiar. I didnt cry but Inhad this heavy feeling in my chest and I actively had to pause to think. I proceeded to just push it down because there is nothing I can actively do.

Everytime I speak of these things I feel like I am lying. But that can stem from the fact I was always told to shut up about anything that would happen to me or others behind the curtain. That I am dramatic, but I was also just a kid.

I would say as a child I had more genuine sympathy and I had empathy, but even then, it wasnt as much as other kids from what I noticed. I cant tell if this was because of how I was raised, trauma or because it was how I was. I remember distinct times where I would feel nothing at all when it came to other people's cares, wants or needs. I just wanted to have fun. I remember rolling my eyes when others would react emotionally to things and genuinely, I believed that it was just some sort of act. Whether it was good or bad. It was hard for me to grasp some people genuinely felt the way that they reacted. Maybe it was because thats what I had to do or maybe it was because thats just how my brain was developing, I am unsure.

But at the same time, i remember having a strong longing to do what other kids did. I remember watching them laugh and smiling as they played with each other, meanwhile I usually the kid who kept to themsleves. I also had a habbit to lie a lot even when I didnt need to. So I dont blame others for isolating me.

Later on I would have some sort of friendships but I would never know if they were genuine or not. On my end of things, it would be very unstable. Not that I would actively push them away but my prespective would be “yes we are friends” “is this normal” “they want something from me” because I knew I wasnt like them. Not in a edgy cool or quirky way. I just didnt understand them in an emotional level, their actions didnt make sense and I could never tell their true intentions. Of course I never said that outloud because I knew how it could be precieved.

Either way I saw these relationships as only temporary. They didnt really matter, it gave me things to do and ways to distract myself. They werent exactly healthy in the first place, some of the people did lie, manipulate, cause drama, got involved with things that risked themsleves and others, etc. But, it did bring some sort of entertainment when most of my time I am in a constant state of boredom, which I briefly talked about in a previous post. But to what it said:

It is in more recent years (I am currently 22) that ive noticed gradually to myself that I genuinely do not care about what other people feel, think or want. It wasn’t as prominate before. And I actively do not care if my actions affect them negatively if it brings me some sort of entertainment (Which I work on as this negatively affects others, which negatively affects me because I have to deal with it. I am aware that a lot of my reasonings can come from self centered or selfish reasons. There is also a side of me that is aware that hurting others isn’t morally right, and while I might not care about the person, I remind myself that I would be like those who harmed me. Which, I am very stubborn and I actively push myself to not repeat the cycle, no matter what.)

In general, I have never cared about things. In a “I am going to be myself” sort of way. Dressing how I like, presenting and being free in my identity. But this was different. I remember sitting in my room one day, I was staring at a wall and just thinking about my recent habbits. I knew at the time I was slipping into an episode of where I just get very depressed but. I remember actively writing in my notes “Something has changed” and I couldnt put my finger on it.

That being said, I have a strong soft spot for children, nature, animals and those who cannot protect themsleves. I think overall I am very stoic when I am not masking or mirroring others. I overall do not care about most people, even more so the people I am still currently around. However, whenever I go on my walks to get air. I look around and there is just peace of mind. It is what I do when I have strong impulsive thoughts and need to ground myself.

Despite any of what I just said about my mental state, I have a deep curiosity for Earth and the world i live in. I enjoy learning about different cultures and rituals, I enjoy learning about different celebrations, different ways of living, different beliefs, different sciences and theories, history. I love how nature is so cruel yet so loving.

To love someone, something, it is not only a feeling but actions. That is how I see it anyway. To show your appreciation, you do. And what you do is what you think. So even if I cannot feel the way others do, is me finding peace in these things, me actively engaging and me appreciating what it is for what it is, is that not a form of love?

I am usually very indifferent to things. That much is true. But at the same time, I do feel things, at times at least. It is just not as intense as others but when it is. The way I can describe it is all consuming. I have hopes and I have dreams of living a life where I am finally able to feel the peace I get when I go on my walks, daily. To feel content. To feel safe. To be unapologeticlly indulgent and I get to say that I earned that right. I want to live.

I switch constantly from different states. Depending how I am, I am a completely different person. There are some days where overall I feel more, some days I feel nothing. Sometimes it can switch within seconds. When I do feel things, it can change within seconds and it can be very intense. But whenever it is switching the way I describe, I call them episodes as they usually happen when I have been under a lot of stress, have been holding in a lot of things from impulsions to emotions like anger and hurt, remembering things I did not want to remember or things I am unsure are real or not, etc.

I can get happy, sad, angry, confused. I will scream, laugh, sob until I am choking for air. These can happen within minutes and after I just feel nothing. Meanwhile, inside, those impulsive thoughts keep pushing. So, I usually cut communication with people before it gets bad.

One day, I just really want to live alone. I would like to spend my days off cooking, doing art, writing, and reading, my nights going out. I would love to get in touch with a therapist. I would love to get a higher education and get a stable career. Ive been thinking about the medical field or some sort of therapist to learn more about humans and myself, plus it is something I have always found enjoyment in learning about. But currently, that is way too expensive. But i think that is my dream.

I hope I can work my way towards it if I am deserving of it.