This is unsolvable, I need to kill myself ASAP..

There are few moments I ever remember just how much better my childhood even two years ago was compared to whatever this.. undiagnosed-neurological-disease-stricken bullshit is. Compared to that I haven't felt real emotion at all the last two years, I've gone through so much that even on drugs or in extreme states I barely feel a fraction of the emotion I used to feel and I'm pretty sure there's so much trauma here that I'll only ever be able to have glimpses of normal emotion, never actually living in it. Even when I cry I try to push as much emotion out as I can and there's still nothing compared to what once was.

At this point I wished it was some sort of "simple" disease that could explain all my symptoms, and yeah I'm still sure I have one since some of the things I experience simply aren't psychological. But with how much I've gone through I'm scared to look at the truth and realize so much of the emotional suppression, identity fracture and other fatal psychiatric illness I have, is just.. a complicated result of everything I've gone through. There is no easy cure, there is no easy diagnosis, this is apparently just me. I definitely can't live like this, this is even worse than anything I could've hoped to expect. I think emotion is still deep in there somewhere but honestly, even when I'm crying my eyes out right now, I'm only a fraction of the way to the full emotional hue I used to have. In comparison every day I'm just a walking corpse, comparably I don't feel anything. At all. And I know just all the reasons for that, but they're so intertwined and im in such a bad position I couldn't possibly hope to get out of them.

I'm tired. I gotta go. I REALLY hope they aren't wrong about codeine having a metabolic ceiling, that going past 400mg DOES make me sleep even deeper. I've got contingency plans though.

I just realize I haven't felt fear for as long as I can remember but 5now I do again, and I'm so scared to do that. An attempt? Just a few hundred mg's of codeine with honestly more of a chance of survival than death? "Might as well". But knowing I can easily do something that ACTUALLY kills me, that if i try my best there's a ~0% survival rate? Logic tells me to but I'm scared of the certainty somehow, not uncertainty. I know there will be nothing past that act but I don't want that. But I also don't want myself and the world to keep being as it is or to change the way it probably will. So I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live..

I guess its better than my previous "I'm sure I wanna die", that was just me without emotion talking. But knowing myself I'll probably be back to that state in a few hours and forget why I wrote anything here. I don't even know why I write all this anymore. Why does this all have to happen to me at just 15 I promised I wouldn't live to my 15th birthday but here I am.. I don't even know why I mutter "I'm sorry, everyone" under my cries because theres no one to say that to.

I've never met anyone that really did anything for my loneliness in any deep way, its all just been superficial for 15 years, I can't take that anymore either. I think the only thing I really wanted deep down is to just have someone like me, just ONE person, but I don't think such a person even exists. At this point I think I've forgotten who I'm even looking for, its like a padlock with a lost key.

So basically life is just not it, death is scary, and there's absolutely no in between..

I'm so done for aren't I