My partner (30M) says I’m the problem (31F) but his behavior is starting to feel like abuse. Am I insane for thinking this?

Hi there

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

My partner and I have been together for about a year and a half. I moved in with him a few months ago because of finances and living situations and honestly, I’m starting to regret it.

He’s admitted he has anger issues and goes to therapy for it. He always says he’s the only one putting effort into the relationship, but I’m starting to feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. Now that I’m in a better financial place, I’ve been looking into therapy myself not for anger, but for trauma I went through earlier this year.

Here’s the thing: he slams doors (even though I’ve told him it scares me), raises his voice, calls me names, and has broken up with me mid-argument just to prove a point. He’s even woken me up by slamming doors when he’s mad, and once drove recklessly with me in the car and experiences road rage. When I bring these things up, he’ll say stuff like “That never happened” or “When was the last time I did that?” as if I’m making it up.

After social events, he picks apart how I acted or how I spoke. I already have social anxiety, and now I dread going out with him because I know he’ll find something to be mad about afterward. Whenever I try to set a boundary or tell him I’m uncomfortable, he keeps pushing, I get frustrated, and then suddenly I'm the problem because I “have an attitude.”

If I try to take space like sleeping in the spare room after an argument he’ll throw my clothes and belongings in there and tell me to just stay there permanently. Then, he’ll switch gears and act all sad and depressed until I comfort him like I'm the one who did something wrong. It’s emotionally exhausting.

He also gets jealous when I’m friendly with his male roommates or other people, even though I’m literally nice to everyone. One night, he accused me of deleting messages and cheating because he saw my phone reflection and thought I was hiding something, I was actually just messaging a friend that I felt unsafe and anxious while having a fight. He later tried sneaking into the spare room to go through my phone, then acted like he missed me just to get me back into bed.

He tells me what I should or shouldn’t do because he “cares,” but it feels more like he doesn’t think I can handle life on my own even though I’m very independent and have way more life experience than him.

Another thing that really upsets me out he says mean, judgmental things about people in public. He calls it having a “mean girl persona.” He’s even made racist and fatphobic comments, and when I call it out, he says I’m worse than him (which is just not true).

Lately, he keeps saying I’m “the problem” and that I need to “look deep within myself.” He blames his outbursts on stress or mental health, takes minimal accountability, and things will change for a little bit until they go back to how they were. I leave arguments feeling confused, guilty, and like I have to apologize for things I didn’t even do wrong.

I know I’m not perfect, but this can’t be normal, right? I don't ever act or treat him this way.

The only reason I’ve stayed this long is because he can be sweet, he cooks, helps clean, is affectionate, and when he’s in a good mood, things feel easy but he's mostly in a bad mood and complains about everything that happens, even if it's a minor inconvenience and it'll bring down his mood. But I’m pretty sure I’m falling out of love with him.

Now that I’m more financially stable, I’ve told him I think we should live separately when the lease is up because our constant fights are very stressful but I know how that’ll go. He’ll guilt me, spam me with messages, and make it seem like I’m abandoning him.

We were supposed to get our own place together, but at this point… I just don’t know anymore.

Does this sound like emotional abuse? Or am I the problem?

Would love some honest outside perspectives, please.