I’m so sick of making myself small.

I am so beyond exhausted of shoving myself down, making myself appeasing, always being available, never sharing how I real feel, etc. I have always had to make myself small and bareable to have basic fucking needs met and I’m just so sick of it. I’m sick of being taken advantage of and taken for granted. I have so much anger pent up inside me from all the things I never said or was able to say. I’m so sick of everything and I’m just fucking furious at the world and everyone around me. I literally destroyed so much of my own shit yesterday because I just can’t take it. When I get angry, or should I say, when I allow myself to be angry, it’s so much that the only way I can stop it is by throwing shit, breaking shit, slamming things, etc (my dads way of doing anger) or I have to shut down, dissociate, or harm myself (my moms way of doing anger). And I just feel so stuck. I feel so angry at myself for being this way. I’m just so sick of being so misunderstood and unheard. The child in me is just fucking begging for someone to fucking see me and listen to me.