I need help and support

I will try to refrain from posting my entire history but I enjoy writing and tend to get detailed. So, I’m a veteran opioid addict, and used to be an IV dope user prior to the fetty invasion before putting together several years clean. I began using kratom again which started a relapse cycle I’ve been stuck in for a couple years, eventually leading to 7oh which I’ve been using for most of the last year, with short stints clean (2-3 weeks a couple times) and I’m so tired and want out of it all. I miss my life and the person I once was. In just a few years clean I completely transformed my life in a positive way, and deeply miss that. My wife is also fed up and wants her husband back, understandably so. She’s a wonderful woman and I cannot lose her. Thankfully she’s an addict (with 20 years clean) so has an understanding of what I’m going through, but she has had enough. I have had enough.

Anyway, I managed to put together 2 weeks off 7oh back in September using a rapid sub taper, lasting 6 days starting at 4mg in day 1 then 2mg for the next 5 days. It was a dumb taper and I should have gone lower, but that’s how it went. I had also used 4mg subs 3 days in a row about a week prior to that stint, which in combination with failing to taper below 2mg I think contributed to a bit of a rough withdrawal tail from the subs. Nothing debilitating, just uncomfortable.

Anyway, like an idiot I began using 7 again when I stopped at a gas station to get an energy drink and there it was, staring me in the face. I was weak and gave in, and of course kept using after. That was October 4, and since then my dose has escalated to 800mg per day as is usual for me. However, I have managed to keep dependence from getting too terribly deep by taking several intermittent 36-48 hour breaks consistently since then. My withdrawal is lighter than it has been in the past due to this, but it still of course sucks ass and comes with the usual chills, mild sweats, depression, debilitating fatigue, and anhedonia. It’s the mental stuff that gets me. I haven’t managed to pass the 54 hour mark without giving in.

I’d go to an inpatient treatment center but I have a demanding, high stress job with a lot of responsibility, and don’t qualify for FMLA because I’ve been with the company for less than a year, which is the required tenure for eligibility. So I have to manage to get off this garbage without taking any significant time off and remaining reasonably productive, which I did in September by using the sub taper.

So, my intent was to repeat that strategy. I took my “last” 7oh dose (I’ve had so many “last” doses) 7am Oct 29 and took 4mg suboxone 24 hours later on Oct 30 at 7am. I then took 2mg Oct 31 (yesterday) at 7am. I then, like an idiot, used 7oh later in the day. My wife wanted to go to a party for Halloween and though most of my withdrawal was taken care of by the subs, my energy levels were super low as was my mood, and I was just not at all fun to be around. I wanted so badly to make her happy so I justified using 7oh to put me in the mood. This was at the 54 hour mark after my last 7oh use, and I of course used twice the next day, today November 1. It was stupid and I deeply regret it, and hate myself for it. I’m scared of losing her and never escaping this hellhole. Anyway, I will say it has instilled a deep fear in me and I have a renewed sense of motivation and determination.

All that is to ask, what’s the best way to move forward? I absolutely must stop using and my tolerance is too high for kratom leaf or MIT extracts to touch the withdrawal. I’ve tried. My current plan is to resume the bupe taper at 2mg at the 24 hour mark tomorrow Nov 2 at 5pm. Or maybe even wait until the 36 hour mark the next morning on Nov 3. My plan is to taper as rapidly as possible while maintaining functionality. My experience has been that when I take a 7oh break of 48 hours and use only briefly (1-2 days) after, the subsequent withdrawal is milder than before. I’m hoping that’s the case this time, but who knows.

I also have about a gram of a certain new research chemical beginning with the letters SR, but my experience has been that it doesn’t touch my 7oh withdrawal unless my tolerance is quite a bit lower than it currently is. Additionally, I have a small amount of clonidine, about 15 50mg pregabalin pills, a bit of modafinil, and a healthy supply of adderall. Also have supplements like rhodiola rosea, agmatine, taurine, as well as both liposomal and sodium ascorbate forms of vitamin C. I’ve tried the megadose vitamin C protocol multiple times with zero success, preloading each time and taking doses of 20 grams.

Any advice, thoughts, or feedback would be helpful.