I put my 10-year-old dog down and keep wondering what would have happened if we tried surgery

My 10-year-old Samoyed suddenly became extremely unsettled last Thursday night. She would lie down for two minutes, then get up and move again. She also vomited. I felt something was very wrong and rushed her to the ER around 9 p.m.

At the ER, the vet ran several tests: bloodwork, a test of the abdominal fluid (which contained blood), and an X-ray that showed a mass. She received pain medication, heart medication, and antibiotics.

The next morning, the vet called and told me she had a seizure and was now on anti-seizure medication. He asked us to consider euthanasia. My partner and I said no. We needed to understand why she was suddenly so sick and whether there was anything that could save her.

They performed an ultrasound but could not locate the mass clearly. The vet recommended a CT scan, which we agreed to. The CT showed tumors on both adrenal glands. The left adrenal tumor had invaded the kidney, and the right one had invaded a nearby blood vessel.

The vet said he had consulted with a surgeon and that the odds were not in our favor. He said she was not a good surgical candidate. Even if she survived the surgery, she might not survive recovery or might only live a short time afterward. He again recommended euthanasia.

I asked if I could bring her home for palliative care instead. The vet advised against it and said that would be inhumane given her condition.

We visited her Friday night around 9:30 p.m. She was on three kinds of pain medication and multiple IVs. She was lying there with oxygen support, sedated and not visibly suffering, likely due to strong pain relief. We asked the on-duty vet again about surgery. She said they would need to find a surgeon capable of such a complex procedure, but the odds were still extremely low. She reiterated that the kindest thing we could do was euthanasia. She added that when the term “invaded” is used, it usually means cancer rather than a benign tumor.

I had also read that when making decisions like this, you should focus only on what is best for your dog, not your own hopes or fear of loss. My partner and I cried so much, and then made the hardest decision of our lives: we agreed to euthanasia that night. She was gone less than 28 hours after we rushed her to the ER.

It has been 8 days, and I still cannot find peace. I keep thinking I did not act in her best interest. She wanted to come home, be with us, and fight. Instead, I chose to put her down in the hospital. I keep thinking I took away her chance, even if it was small. Euthanasia guarantees 0% chance of survival. Surgery, even with very low odds, at least offered hope. I can’t stop replaying that.

I also regret not pushing for imaging sooner when she slowed down on walks, limped after long hikes, or had heavy breathing at night. I thought it was just aging. I feel like I failed her.

I know I cannot change the past. But the guilt sits heavy, and I feel like I will carry it for the rest of my life. She trusted and loved me completely, and I made the final decision for her. I keep thinking I should have fought harder.

For those of you who still have healthy fur babies, please learn from my experience. If you notice subtle changes like slower walks, increased thirst, heavy breathing, more sleep, or limping after activity, get them checked thoroughly. Eating and playing does not always mean everything is fine; my baby ate her meals right up to the end. I do not write this to alarm anyone, but because I would give anything to go back and investigate sooner.