i need urgent help i don't know what to do

a few hours ago i got sent CSAM of a girl who looked about the same age i was when i was raped.

i'm falling apart i can't stop crying i can't sleep or eat i keep throwing up and having panic attacks, i can't get the screaming out of my head and i can't stop having flash backs to my own rape.

i feel so bad for my fiancee too she saw something no one should and she can processes her own pain because she has to look after me i'm such a fucking burden on her and i'm not even worth it

i don't know if i can go to a hospital i feel so scared of leavening my apartment i don't want anyone to see my body

please help me