grieving my sister

My sister died last year. It still feels strange to even say that out loud. Sometimes I feel like if I just avoid saying it, it won’t really be true like she’s just away for a while, and I’ll hear her key in the door any second.

The first few months were unbearable. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat properly. Everything reminded me of her the smell of her perfume, the shows we used to watch, the way her laughter filled the house. Even now, I still catch myself reaching for my phone to text her about something small and stupid, before I remember she’s gone.

I thought things were finally starting to feel a little more normal, or at least quieter. But lately everyone around me seems to be moving on, and I feel stuck in the same place. My mom talks about her less and less. My friends have stopped checking in. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one still holding on, like I’m the only one who remembers that the world used to be different that she used to be here.

And I don’t even know how to grieve properly anymore. Some days I cry until I can’t breathe. Other days I feel nothing at all, and that scares me more. I don’t want to forget her. I don’t want to get used to her being gone. But I also don’t know how to keep living like this half here, half back in the moment I lost her.

I guess I just miss her. More than anyone could ever understand.