i struggle with thinking about it so i can never explain myself

i’m married and have always wanted to talk abt what i’ve been through, but my mind is just not my friend. my memories are all over the place and i get random flashbacks to times i had completely wiped out. i ran away from home when i was young and was touched (i don’t like to think with more graphic words) but a lady that was old enough to be my mother in a motel room that stank like cigarettes.

i have always struggled with myself sexually and with porn, my first time was traumatic and i used to cry afterwards every time until i was about 20 and mentally snapped before trying to kill myself and ending up in a psych ward. i am self destructive and ruin so many good things in my life cause i’m incapable of having a conversation of myself and i’m honestly scared of what i would try to say if i did talk. it’s hard to not be miserable and regularly think abt suicide which obviously i don’t want to do since i got married and wouldn’t want to hurt my wife in that way, but i don’t even trust myself not to if i were presented with the opportunity. if i had a gun in front of me and she wasn’t watching, i would 100% do it eagerly.