[F4M] 23 - Conflicted and confused lesbian looking for a push - Teleguard: N7LVV7UXU Session: 052be7f5e39b6b6f0d68e74d6da5b3991f263809d27f0438a9e07c545b24921b00

I always have considered myself a lesbian. Not even bisexual, I've never done anything consentually with a man. But things have changed lately. When you have no other experiences, you think what you've had is as good as it can be. I've never felt thrilled sexually, but I thought that's just what sex was, as good as it could be.

But after a breakup I was pent up and I started watching porn, which I never did but I also hadn't been this lonely before. And somehow watching straight porn, I found myself starting to look at the men more than the women. At first I thought that it was just a novelty because I hadn't really watched straight porn. But I repeated it a few times and it didn't change. I've started to gravitate to rougher and more degrading porn, scenes where the women are being called names and slapped around, and for the life of me I don't know why except possibly the shock value gives me a weird thrill?

Since then I've been kind of having a mini-nervous breakdown. I've started wondering if I'm even attracted to women or if it was just me wanting to be attracted to women due to my past trauma, because everything I feel thinking about men sexually feels 40 times more intense than actually being with another woman. I feel like I'm betraying my friend group and my ideals and myself. I don't particularly like men as human beings, no offense, I've just had bad experiences, and I've built a life designed to need or rely on them as little as possible and now I feel this curiosity and yearning.

I don't know what I want. I am disgusted with myself. But I guess I want to talk to men. I don't know about what. I feel like this is a horrible growing secret but I just am addicted to thinking about what a man would be like.