i pushed away all my friends and now i’m alone

for context: i have a severe anxiety disorder that makes it difficult for me to do most things, but i could go out and drink with them on weekends while medicated. however, i couldn’t go anywhere over half an hour from home and definitely couldn’t do sleepovers. they were all aware of this and were nice about it, but they wouldn’t change locations of some events to accommodate me, which is okay as it was usually birthdays and i don’t begrudge them wanting to go away for it. we are all 17/18. i also apologize if this is confusing to read i would hate for one of them to see this

my bestfriend [J] one of my close friends for years [H] another one of my close friends for years, bestfriends with H [M] girl i have had years of mutual dislike with [S] new girl, bestfriends with S. [L] the cousin [C] the guy [B]

one night, we were having a small gathering and drinking, and i hooked up with one of the guys in our group (B). his cousin (C) was one of the girls in this group- will be important later. anyway, i tell him im okay with everything except oral, which he kept trying to do. i laughed and pushed him away multiple times and tried to redirect him into doing something else, and he said “i can’t have sex because C and M (M was a close friend i’ve known for years)” i tried to get him to explain further and he didn’t. eventually i think he got tired of me refusing oral because he got up and left without a word. i felt used and violated and i was extremely confused. i told THREE people what had happened. my bestfriend (J), and two of the girls that i was close with (M) and (H).the only girl i didn’t tell was C and two girls (S) and (L) that H had brought into our group as they went to a course together.

i have never gotten along with S, and we have both openly disliked each other since highschool. she tried to get people to jump me multiple times when we were like 15.

i told M, H and J i felt like it was sexual assault, but not to tell anyone in case i was wrong. J immediately told someone, and M and H told the rest of the group because i got a message from C saying basically to “stop telling people what happened you will ruin his reputation”.

around this time i started to feel like they were all starting to dislike me, as all the girls went out for dinner for Ls dinner, except for C who never usually went to things unless B was there. I didn’t get invited, but J did and we were talking about how that is kind of weird as we are all in a group etc. I wasn’t close at all with L, and neither was J but she went to a party with them that i again didn’t get invited to (because B was there and they didn’t want me to cause stuff.) so i don’t know. anyway, i message J something petty like “have fun at dinner without me!” and she shows them all because S gets on her phone and sends me a voice message saying “you aren’t even friends with L why would she invite you out!!” i just thought it was common courtesy tbh, you can’t just leave one person out. anyway this caused an argument between me and all of the girls which i ended up apologizing for because i didn’t want to have no friends.

the weekend after, we go to a party and things are rocky as soon as we get there, we are all drunk, me, H and M are crying about something god knows why when C comes up to me with B and a big gang of people and confronts me, again telling me to stop telling people and that i’m lying and it’s not sexual assault etc. this time i actually had told someone i think, but that night is a bit of a blur. anyway the person i told comforted me and told me their own story and then must have went and told C who took it upon herself to defend B. at this point im drunk, angry, anxious and screaming. i’m telling B to speak for himself and C to get a grip and let B act his age. i get kicked out by the host for my breakdown, and i’m having a panic attack and crying uncontrollably on the side of the road until H, M and J call my mum.

This is kind of where my memory cuts out but something small might have happened or i woke up and decided that was it, because i blocked everyone except J. i’m going to put here that even if i was overreacting and it was sexual assault, it still affected me and my mental health badly, and everyone turning on me made it worse.

J is my only friend at this point, but now she’s embarrassed to be seen with me so she stops hanging out with me and dodging my attempts at seeing each other. She will message me non stop all week talking about herself and how much she hates work etc and as soon as the weekend hits she’s leaving me on read or only messaging me to complain about the group. I put up with this for a few months, until last weekend when she says something small that really triggered me for some reason and i drop her as a friend as well. that night, i fall into a depressive episode that i won’t get into, but it was incredibly bad and lasted a few days. my anxiety has been out of control since.

a few days ago was her birthday, and i sent her a picture of the gift i had gotten her, and said something like “happy birthday! thanks for always having my back” which was stupid and i was being sarcastic but i was so hurt that she had chosen them over me and whatever she said last weekend was just the final straw for me.

my mum thinks i should apologize to all of them including J for overreacting, because my mental health is slipping by being home all the time and having no friends. and im torn because im still so angry and hurt but i can’t let my mental health slip again. there is no way for me to make new friends until midway next year when i start university. i live in a small town, and everyone knows everyone.

if anyone has any advice, that would be very appreciated. i apologize if this is written badly or sounds immature, i have terrible memory and didn’t mention all the little things and forgot a lot of things said.