Feeling scared and tired

Hi

I have bipolar type 1 with psychosis. I recently graduated with a bachelor’s degree (I’m nearly 30)…it took me 5 years with a high school equivalent included in the degree. I had to take one year leave of absence.

It was so hard to achieve, I never thought I could do something like that. I started having bipolar symptoms at 12 years old, by 13 I’d tried to end my life multiple times.

Over half my life dominated by this illness…I am so tired. I am so scared.

During my leave of absence, I had my worst manic psychosis ever. It lasted 6 months with the last 1.5 months being in hospital and it went into levels of mania I did not know I could even experience. Pure delirium. I was no longer of this earth. It was terrifying. I take my meds, but I fear my mind.

At the beginning of the summer a mental health professional helped me switch medication because I gained weight on the others, but it’s gone horribly wrong. I have since been severely depressed every day for longer than ever before. I am trying to fight, in the past I always had a small sense of fight left that would show up, but I feel like I have been drained, broken down, the fight taken from me from years of cycling and battling my own mind. I worry for the future, I have no friends and I don’t think I will get to know romantic companionship again. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep a job.

I was awarded a full ride scholarship for postgraduate to start this September and I had to turn it all down. The depression is so bad, and the mental health team discharged me as soon as the med switch was over so I had no one to reach out to for months while getting more and more depressed. It took me being suicidal every day and dangerously close to death to get help. Now I’m doing the trial and error of treatment and recovery is so slow. I don’t know if I can keep going with this illness, it hurts so much. I hate who I am so much with it. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

In the past I thought I celebrated my differences even with the pain, I thought I wouldn’t cure it, just hope for better inclusivity. I thought it was a gift as much as a curse. For the first time ever now I feel purely cursed. I would give it all away, I wish it could all be taken away. I’m losing hope. Can there be a future that isn’t suffering?