My light is just gone. Will it come back?

To preface, I’m talking to my therapist about antidepressants on Wednesday. Ever since I got pregnant, the light in me has died. My verve for life, my passion, my imagination, my creativity, my joy. It’s like someone just severed these things from me.

I was driving down the street today with the baby in the backseat. It’s peak fall foliage here, it was golden hour, everything looked absolutely surreal. Before a moment like that would have grounded me. I would have felt so happy to be alive and connected to the earth and just at peace. No matter what I do I can’t seem to find my way back to that.

Honestly, that feeling was what made my life worth living. It’s all just shades of grey now. I find parenting a 10 month old to be equal parts infuriating and boring.

I love my daughter to pieces. She’s the best kid I could have asked for, even if she can be extremely difficult at times. I want to enjoy being her mom. I want to enjoy my life again instead of just watching time pass and praying it gets better someday.

Now that she’s on a more regular schedule I have a tiny bit more time for relaxing and hobbies. None of it feels right anymore.

I refuse to accept that the me I’ve been my entire life is gone just because I’m a parent. I know the transition can be tough. I know my life will never be like it was before. I’m okay with that. But to have lost everything that made me feel alive is too much.

I fear this is a result of the changes in the brain that happen when you get pregnant. That the specific part of my brain I relied on for these things has reorganized to prioritize keeping her alive. And that someday when she’s grown I’ll still have to feel this way.

Has anyone else felt like this? Please tell me it got better?