Can't get over possible assault

I'm sorry ahead of time if this is all over the place.

It's been over a year now and I still get anxiety over possibly being assaulted by an ex. I don't even want to call him that. The reason why I say possible is because even though I said no so many times I eventually gave in. I keep blaming myself ,and others tell me not to ,and I know if someone else was telling me this I'd tell them not to as well ,but I can't stop. My first time with him i didn't want to do it took several tries because I just did not want to. My first kiss i also said no so many times and he just did it anyways while on top of me. Stupidly I didn't want to kiss him so bad I gave him a bj instead. I know it sounds dumb but a kiss felt more personally for some reason. Like in the way people hook up but never even said I love you to the other person. I brought it up to him a few times my discomfort and he said I wanted it cause when he asked me what I'd do sexually I responded with that. I only gave a response because he kept asking me over and over and over I couldn't take it anymore.

I just had a dream that I was telling his family what he did to me and in it I felt relief. I do want to tell them in real life but my therapist asked me if it was selfish. Now I don't know maybe I am being selfish. I'd hurt his family by telling them just so I can feel better.

He also lied so much during the relationship. He lied about being raped. He even faked panic attacks and I'd comfort him and get him gifts so he'd feel better.

He said he lied about being raped because he knew I didn't want to be with a bi man. I'm straight I personally want my boyfriend to be the same.

He gave the fake rape story of being surrounded by guys in the locker room and he said a Black guy made him suck his dick and that they forced his mouth open so that the guy could cum in it.

What really happened was that he went to a guy's house he tried giving him head, he couldn't make the guy cum so the guy just jerked off into his mouth. I have no idea what race he was idk why he decided to tell me Black in his fake rape story.

This is just more ranting not that important if you don't want to read:

This relationship lasted for like 4.5 years. It was the worst 4.5 years of my life but I also blame myself for even letting it go on that long.

I hated him before we became "friends". I thought he was weird and when we became "friends" from another friend I just viewed him as someone we all sat at lunch with but he viewed me as one of his closest friends ,even calling me his best friend but I think he just said that for brownie points.

Everyone I knew at school didn't like him, even after we started dating they told me stories about how odd he was. One guy in my math class told me how he was pretending to slit his wrists in the locker room with the lid of a can. When I asked him about it he said he was joking around, then the second time I asked him he said he was depressed.

I rejected him several times and only said yes out of pressure since his other friend said he'd kill himself if I didn't. Then from there it just went downhill even more.

I was 15 almost 16 at this point. I was also suicidal but that's from being physically abused by my step-dad. I didn't have a good understand of love so when the relationship started I also developed an unhealthy attachment. I never ended up liking him I thought I loved him eventually but it never felt romantic more like the love you have for a friend. I've had crushes and not once did I feel that with him. I'd try to convince myself but I just couldn't.

His personality didn't help he was performative. He'd act helpful to others and towards me he didn't put in effort. I paid for everything I got him his PC. His parents don't know I got it for him because he thought they'd make him return it to me. He'd spend hours planning stuff for his games but couldn't plan one date. Only time that ever happened was like the first two dates. If he had an idea for a date I'd plan the rest and pay for it.

He lied bout making me dinner. I was out with friends at night and joined a VC with him and his friends and he said why'd you go out I was planning a surprise dinner. Then I said what were you going to make he said a gourmet grilled cheese then listed off stuff like lettuce, tomato, ham etc. That's not a grilled cheese that's a damn sandwich. Then later I said how were you planning a surprise dinner when you didn't even get the groceries, didn't have the money for it, didn't tell me to stay home and I find out through a VC. He got mad and accused me of thinking he's lying and I had to play it off as a joke to avoid conflict.

Another time we were at a boba shop and I'm rather indecisive so I was taking a little bit. At some point I turn and I see that he's gone to the corner to talk to his friends on discord (which he did all the time and always on his phone around me). After I order i go to him and asked him why he left me he gives me the bullshit lie about the people behind me talking crap about how I was taking a long time but I didn't even hear anything he has worser hearing. He wasn't even close enough to listen to them to observe them and when he said he was looking at them. He wasn't even doing that his eyes were on his phone.

He just lied all the time about big and small things. I'm much happier now but when I remember the sex stuff I lose my mind a bit.