my friends uncle OD’d and i feel.. jealous?

i know it sounds really bad and selfish but i didn’t feel sad at all - i just felt numb and jealous that it wasn’t me in hospital.

i’ve been obsessively thinking about suicide for months now and though i don’t want to necessarily engage in the act of it, i’m fantasising about it A LOT. like almost every day.

i’m seeing a therapist but i also don’t know how to openly say this out loud.. it feels scary to admit to someone. especially since last time i went to a clinic (though that was when i had actually attempted).

anyone got advice on the matter ? i have no one in my life that i can openly talk about this to.