I now crave it and ask for vids of verbal guys degrading me

I was raped multiple time by the same older guy when I was younger and he would call me a slut, whore, little dick and faggot. That I deserved this and should be happy to be used by him.

At first I hated it but I grew to like it - he made me feel special like I was the only one he could do this with.

Now I crave to be used as a cumdump and verbally degraded. I even paid someone to make videos of the same scenario calling me all of the above while he masturbated and videoed it and then sent it over to me. (Until he bailed on me)

I don’t know what it is that makes me think I deserve this and want to recreate the situation. I fee horny and dirty thinking about it. I wish I had been used by more guys or his friends.

What’s your thoughts?