coming to terms with rocd

i wish i could airdrop all of the lore from my current relationship to anyone who reads this so they'd understand what i've been dealing with (though im sure people do, even if it isn't the same scenario). i'll keep it short though.

i've known my bf since 2023. we started talking, i liked him more than ive liked anyone in my entire life, and then he played with my feelings til he found another girl to talk to. he knew i didn't like her, knew i was getting close to the truth about them seeing each other, lied and lied and lied his ass off to me AND her about each other, said horrible things about me to her and his own friends, and i discovered most everything over the course of a year and a half. it was torture. like a slow motion car crash. i was convinced they were hand picked by god for each other and they'd have a happy and sexy love story. i'm a different person than i was before him. but in 2024 i got pregnant and told him he had a choice: sign his rights away and live his life independently of us, or help me raise a child. he went through a tough transition period of confronting his morals and character and ultimately did a complete 180. he got serious about himself, his life, me and our son, dedicated himself to providing for our family, and we are now in a happy committed relationship that we both see moving towards marriage. he often says he wishes i could see how his brain worked during that time because it was completely different to how he operates now.

here's the catch: i still think about that girl. and some of the other ones. i think about if they drove down this road, sat in this car, laid in this bed, spoke to him this way, did adult fun stuff in the way i'm doing it, if they were a better match, if they should have ended up pregnant together, if they visited this spot in the city, held hands down this path, etc etc ETC. it bleeds into everything. any time i snoop into his stuff and find an old picture or conversation it sends me into a spiral (i know i shouldn't be looking). he's open to me checking his phone, open to talking about his wrongs and everything that happened before our son, has apologized and deleted chats and is hesitant on deleting pictures but hopefully will soon. you'd think the effort he puts forth to provide for our family and the sacrifices he's made so far would assure my doubts but i feel like im stuck in a whirlpool and there's a million screens playing flashbacks and intrusive thoughts as im drowning in the water.

i've always had the thought that ocd might be playing a part in making me who i am but i never put a lot of stock into it. to me ocd was always defined as "i have to do x or (horrible thing) is going to happen to (something deeply cared about)." i definitely struggle with symptoms of other forms of ocd but ive never sat down and thought, this must be ocd. usually i think, im definitely a freak of nature. but after months of slow exposure to info about rocd im almost certain its something i struggle with, and i want to bring it up at a consultation for couples counseling that i scheduled for my bf and i. i feel a bit of relief admitting that maybe its all in my head, which is funny because that's something i obsess over all the time.

i think the hard part now is doing the exercises ive seen that people recommend to help with the spiraling. i take a few deep breaths, or i label a thought as an obsession/an action as a compulsion, and it does help, but then part of me doesn't want to let go of the chaos. it's been really hard. thank you for reading.