Help..

I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety, and getting a potential ADHD assessment. Also sprinkled with autism-like traits.

On meds for depression, on a waitlist for my therapy. I have been in and out of psych wards. Worked my ass off only for me to burn out and end up in a psych ward again. The cycle is madness.. but now life is going well. I have a fiancé, parents I love, and a job thats flexible enough.

But I have been suicidal again. I dont want to disappoint and hurt my fiancé and parents. They're literally the only reason why I'm still alive.

I know what I'm doing with my life has something wrong, else why doing the same thing (trying a lifestyle of morning gym, working in a sad but 9-5 corporate job) always result in me in the psych ward after a year.

I don't want to go to the psych ward as they technically do nothing for treatment, but I feel like the current routine will lead me nowhere good too. I am not very functional, only heading out of bed last minute to head into office, and sleeping the rest of the duration away.

But I don't know what else I need to do.

I am on the way to the office, with lots of paracetamol in my pocket. I don't want to hurt them but I'm so tired of trying.