I WANT TO FORGIVE MY DYING MOM BUT CANT

as the title implies my mother is passing away (will get into) and while she has wronged me at every step on my childhood and early adulthood, i really want to get back in touch and i cant quite put my finger on why. also, first time poster and quite drunk so excuse whatever you need to excuse.

i don't want to get into backstory too much and ill keep this quick but will answer questions if they arise. but to jump into it, ever since i can remember, my mom has been a raging acholic and tearing my family apart (youngest of 5 and currently 25). from telling me i was hated, making me feel unwanted, sheltering me from how to be a normal kid and robbing me of a childhood. anyways, my parents divorced when i was around 16 and this stewed my biggest regret. i was so manipulated by her that i moved in with her at her new house and she convinced me that all the issues were my dad and i began to hate him. after 4 or 5 years of being under her thumb and digging myself into the deepest hole i could from drug use, self unaliving attempts and drinking away all thoughts. she finally kicked me out of her house while saying i was a horrible excuse for a son.

there's a lot of horrible things between everything that are unforgiveable but i don't want this to be too long soo. ask away if you wish.

after she kicked me out, i began to rebuild myself and my relationship with my dad, me and him became quite close over the years but i forever felt a flame of something noticeably tense strained between us. i lived with him until 22ish years old, while still drinking myself into a unrecognizable blur of myself. at 22 i took a huge leap and purchased a home 30 mins away from both of my parents and cut all contact with my mother. heres where i really start to notice the damage done from my mom, drinking heavily, not being able to trust, love or hate anyone. not being able to love myself, be proud of myself or being genuinely happy. from every great achievement I've done, i hate myself for not being happy, when i purchased my house, i almost cried, not from joy or pride but from shame and truly feeling alone for the first time in my life. most importantly, i wasn't scared, i just felt empty. I've since cut off every one of my few friends, I've self isolated with the constant fear of being just like her while actively being like her.

now to where i am now.... my moms brother recently passed (late 60s and unknown cause) and it ignited the knowledge of my moms mortality. i haven't spoken or heard from my mom in about 3 or 4 years at this point, well she reached out to me and only me to text me that he passed and i never replied. i spoke with my sister about this last night (she is still in touch with my mom loosely) and asked how mom was doing. she informed me that she has had a series of strokes within the last year and she has a tough time holding conversation's now and is mentally degrading very rapidly. to paint the picture a little bit, the last time I've seen her she was extremely thin, very unhealthy and drinking 25-45 beers a day. now this to me is a calling sign that if i was to reach out and talk to her that now's the time as there's not much time left.

i really think i should reach out and stop by to see her one last time before she goes, but i don't know why. i feel like its very selfish and i kind of just need the premature closure to be able to let her go. but at the same time, i think i fear that after she passes, ill have deep regrets that i didn't at least try before she left to say hello and have some final words. i also fear that it will not go as i want to imagine it would and will end with a fight or a even deeper hatred for who she has become and who I've allowed myself to become and that will be my last memory with her. regardless i know I'm not strong enough to see her right now but i also know ill never be.

regardless, I'm not ready to let go just yet for reasons I'm unsure of and i fear that time will not allow me to be ready. with that, what should i do, what's any advice at all as i could truly use it?

TLDR i haven't spoken to my abusive mom in years and she might pass soon and i don't know if i should reach out.