3 months and I hate everything

sorry for the doom and gloom post this is just me venting.

you can see my last post was 40 days ago. I feel roughly exactly the same. Maybe SLIGHTLY better but also not really.

I was living in NYC and I was so happy with her. I got out of bed each day excited and could run on only 6 hours of sleep, sometimes less. I loved my life so much.

Now I want to never be awake. I have had suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life. I napped twice today. It’s been three fucking months and I do not feel better.

I have been training hard in the gym and I find some relief barely there. I hangout with my friends but after some time get stuck in my head and want to leave. I really can’t fucking do this.

I don’t wanna date someone new. I hate everything. I’m barely present with my family anymore because I am so fucked up. I feel broken inside and like a shell of a human being.

I hate everything. I need help. and oddly enough the only thing keeping me even slightly going is the hope we will rekindle someday. And yes i know in some ways that is unhealthy but I CANT accept otherwise it’ll destroy me more than I already am.

Please help im so fucked ik