I have no one else in real life to talk about. Why was i the only one ruined by giving birth of the people i know.

I started pelvic floor pt 6 weeks ago. My pelvic floor is very tight and my anterior wall doesn't really move. I have pain when urinating, fecal incontinence & si joint dysfunction. It honestly just always aches. Im 8 month postpartum. Very long delivery and mostly internal 2nd degree perineal tear. Im also breastfeeding and haven't had a cycle yet. I just started my first dose of estrogen vaginal cream tonight.

I had internal work today that we had to stop because I started crying. It hurt so bad and all I could think about is im ruined. Im so scared to have sex again. Ive had 1 orgasam since giving birth and the orgasam was 7/10 pain. There wasn't even any penitration Im scared to have any intimacy at all.

I have several friends who have kids including 4 of us that all had our kids in the same 6 weeks. No one else has this problem and 1 person even joked that maybe I need to have sex to massage it. They are all having sex and enjoying their selves. It stings. Im jealous. I am happy they aren't suffering but I feel so lonely.

It feels like its my fault im broken and ruined. If I ever want to have sex again I'll have to expect pain, and if we ever want more kids it will be a painful business transaction.