I hate being fat

I (19F) hate being fat. I know the initial thought of most people reading that, which is “do something about it.” The problem is I hate myself too much to change it. I eat as a coping mechanism, I eat to the point where I’m not even hungry and I don’t even want to eat. I don’t want to do it but I do and it feels terrible before, during, and after. I feel like I’m torturing myself because I just hate who I am, I hate everything about myself, physically and mentally. I feel like an evil person who doesn’t deserve to be happy or healthy. I’ve always been plus sized, but I used to be healthy, maybe 150. I’m about 300 lbs now. I watched the scale increase every time I went to the doctor and looked away in shame. It’s painful to exercise because I carry so much weight. I don’t want to go to the gym and feel humiliated because of how I look. Most days I don’t even want to leave the house because of it. I’m fat and I know it and I hate it, but it feels like I deserve to hate myself. I genuinely eat until my stomach hurts and it’s so disgusting and it sounds dramatic but I feel like I don’t deserve to live. I can’t do basic things without it being painful or tiring. It’s embarrassing that I let myself get this way. It’s not even just about appearance, it’s about my abilities as a functioning human being. I lack self control, I’m in a living situation that offers little independence and comfort, I have a weak support system, I hate my job, I don’t enjoy school, and I have no real interests or marketable skills. I feel useless and fat and ugly and undeserving of life. Anyway, please don’t reply telling me to get on the treadmill or to stop eating, those are things I’ve already heard and things I’ve already repeated to myself a million times over.