I’m tired of lying, I’m a functioning meth addict and I just want my life back.

I’ve been on and off meth for years - mostly on, if I’m being honest. I first tried it back in 2014. A girl I met introduced me to it, and back then I was with my now ex-boyfriend. I think he knew something was off because one day he just left. He moved on and started a new family, and I fell apart. After he left, I spiraled into a deep depression. Meth wasn’t helping- it just made the darkness feel tolerable for instances. Somehow, I got myself together for a bit. I found a job, a place to live, and for a while, I thought maybe I was done with that life. Then summer of 2016 came and I met the man who’s now my husband. We’ve been together for nine years, married for almost five years. When I met him, I was using again, but not as heavily. Things moved fast- we fell for each other. Two years later, I got pregnant with my son. When I found out I was pregnant, I quit immediately. cold turkey. Stayed clean the whole pregnancy and even a year or two after my son was born. I felt proud of that- like maybe I’d finally beaten it. But stress has a way of finding the cracks. My husband can be… difficult, controlling, narcissistic, manipulative- and somewhere in all the drama, the lying, the chaos- I relapsed. Since then it’s been on and off. I start I stop, I hide, I lie. I convince myself no one knows. Maybe he suspects sometimes but I always manage to “get back to normal” before it explodes. Lately though… it’s bad again. I’ve been smoking all day, everyday. I started missing work. Instead of admitting the truth I just told my job I was sick. Said I had kidney disease. Told my husband the same lie so he wouldn’t question why I wasn’t working. He’s been supportive, telling me not to worry, that he’ll help me with money. And I hate myself for lying. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to keep hiding behind lies and excuses. I don’t even know where to start, because I’m terrified of anyone finding out. I don’t want to lose my family or my job. But I also know I can’t keep this up- it’s eating me alive (literally). I just want to be sober again. I want to wake up and not feel I’m rotting from inside. I want piece. If anyone been here if you’ve managed to crawl out of this how did you do it without everyone finding out? I’m tired of pretending. I just want my life back.