Feeling so emotionally drained as I (impatiently) wait for him to propose

Throwaway so he doesn’t see this.

In my small town, it has become obvious that it is normal to be engaged in your mid twenties - my age group. I guess even growing up, I had always imagined getting married between 25 and 30 (I think most girls grow up dreaming about their wedding). Seeing literally dozens of couples that I know get engaged, married, or pregnant has really started to emotionally drain me.

My boyfriend and I have been together nearing 5 years now. We’ve lived together most of that time. It’s sooo clear to both of us (and our families) that we will get married one day. Obviously, weddings are expensive and I’m in no rush (or financial position) to actually get married. But an engagement? I feel 110% ready for that commitment (not that it would even change our relationship now). There is also nothing stopping us. He just hasn’t even saved for a ring. I don’t want an expensive ring - I’ve even shown him options for $500! He could buy one in a single paycheck. Yet he hasn’t.

The last 2 years he has hinted at proposing soon. Last year especially, I was even telling my friends “omg I think it’s happening soon!!” And then it didn’t happen and I felt embarrassed. This year even more so did it feel like it was coming. He had been hinting about it so much - he was even discussing ring prices with his dad. I was determined it was happening this summer - then it didn’t. Then I thought “okay well maybe around my birthday then!” But my birthday was over a week ago now and still nothing.

He bought me a very nice gift, but it was one I had asked for Christmas rather than my birthday. He told me “this fit more into this month’s budget, I will get you the other thing for Christmas.” My brain immediately goes to “a ring??” But at this point I feel like I’m getting my hopes up. I asked for a hint as to what it could be, and he said “you can wear it.” So part of me still thinks it could be a ring. But again, I feel like I’m letting myself down at this point. I can’t keep thinking “maybe now!” when it clearly isn’t happening soon.

I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. We talk about our future, marriage, engagement, and kids so often. The way he discusses such topics makes me so excited. He’s hinted about proposing for so long now yet every time I think it could happen, it doesn’t. I’m getting confused and drained and I feel sooo envious of others getting engaged before me - and I’m never really a jealous person. Even in the slight chance that he is planning to propose near Christmas… why? I’ve made it pretty clear to him I’d prefer a summer or fall proposal - with a sunset, and so I can wear a dress. I despise winter and he knows that. I’ve never dreamed of a winter proposal. Obviously I’d still be ecstatic!! But… I want him to show that he’s listening to me. He seems to listen to everything else except for proposal talk. I just don’t understand what his plan is, if he even has one.

Okay vent done.